Smell Ya Later!

Okay, this one truly is a random post. But it's been a-brewin' for some time. I have a few smell stories that are quite hilarious, if I do say so myself. So let's start with the one that is the oldest (of the ones I've remembered) and the most benign and work our way up.

Smell #1 - "Those" smells
This one was brought back to the forefront of my mind the other day. Remember all those stories I told about Jose and Big Heads R Us and me falling on the floor? Well, a few months after I moved away from Panama, I wrote a poem for all of my friends (okay, I was totally about to explain this, but then I remembered that I have explained it before. I do this a lot to people when I speak to them in person... I tell them something about 4 different times on 4 different occasions. So, if you're lucky enough to know me outside of the blog world, expect repetition :)). So in that poem I wrote a stanza for Jose. Well, I went pillaging through my stuff and found the poem the other day. And when I read that stanza for Jose, I seriously hooted. Here's how that stanza goes:

Jose, do you remember Geography?
Those smells and me falling on the floor?
And making up Big Heads R Us
Because Biology was such a bore?

While I realize this might seem a bit juvenile (the writing style), I was only 17, and I thought it was pretty creative. I still do, obviously, since it gave me a good laugh. So anyway, turns out there was another Jose story I'd forgotten until reading that poem. So "those smells" will be the topic of discussion here. Okay, you know the smell. Call it bubbles (as Christina did when she was little), or call it froggies (as Alysha and Julie did), call it poots (as lots of people do), or call it farts (because unfortunately we were more crass children than other people, I guess, and we used that term... except for Christina who said 'bubbles' for a long time). Whichever way, the smell associated is familiar to all. The Silent But Deadly (SBDs) smell. And those were the smells that would come wafting over to our side of the Geography classroom from some unknown and mysterious location. It happened more than once, and we did not say they wafted over, but rather that they 'attacked' us. And Jose was a typical 7th-grade boy and he would laugh and cover his nose and make a big show of the whole thing, and I would have to start laughing at his reaction. And, of course, we pointed at each other and blamed each other (and it really wasn't me! Just like that time out front of Burger King, Video Warehouse, and Hungry Howie's in Dothan... it wasn't me!). (You know, half of me cannot believe I wrote this paragraph... how is this one for posterity?)

Smell #2 - A Whiff of Dissection
Okay, this is one that I figured I should explain in more detail, because Julie kind of brought it to my attention that I had not made myself clear. Okay, Julie is an interpreter for the deaf and right now she goes into a high school and she interprets for a deaf girl a few days a week. Well, in this girl's anatomy class, they were going to dissect a sheep's brain, and the teacher told Julie (who is now officially in her 3rd tri-mester - YAY) that the formaldehyde smell is pretty strong and it might not sit well with Julie. So, Julie was telling me this about what the teacher said about the smell. Only she didn't mention the formaldehyde part. So I was assuming it was from the length of time they would be working on the sheeps' brains in the classroom. So I said to Julie, "Yeah, that's true. Those cats we dissected were smelling rough after 9 weeks." And she was like, "WHAT?! 9 weeks?" Turns out they were only using the sheep brains for one class (I think it was one, but definitely no more than 2). Well, back in 11th grade (so, precisely 10 years ago, I was dissecting a cat, by the way), we were partnered up in the classroom and each pair got a cat. My first partner was named Elisa and our cat was FAT. I mean FAT. Accordingly, we named it (they were all "its" except one, which was a girl) Fatso. Well, Elisa and I worked for about 3 weeks or so on Fatso and covered the outside of the cat (well, everything under the skin). I know, some of you must be cringing and skipping over this part. Seriously am a cat-lover. That was one of the reasons I never wanted to take Human Anatomy and Physiology at BHS (that, and I didn't want to type my own blood - see post about needles - and I didn't want to analyze my own urine - I mean, who wants to carry a cup of their own pee to Physiology class?). But I had gotten straight A's my sophomore year of high school and I didn't sign up for challenging classes for 11th grade and then when I got my schedule, I found myself in Physiology, Honors English, and some HTML/Desk-top publishing class. I was less-than-thrilled and went up there to tell them they'd made a mistake. They told me that they felt I wasn't challenging myself enough, so they dropped me into those classes and told me to try it out. Well, the end result is that I stayed with it, and I have to say I learned a lot in Physiology. It was one of the most demanding classes I've ever had, and I learned tons. And this cat dissection was very informative and it was quite the learning experience. Okay, so back to Fatso... So, eventually, after we'd been tested on the muscles of the cat, etc., we swapped out partners and ended up actually dissecting the cat. I think my second partner was Candice, but I am not positive. Anyway, keep in mind that we were using the same cats we started out with. And the formaldehyde in the bags (we kept returning the cats to the bags from which we got them on the first day of dissection... and we'd been instructed to keep as much of the formaldehyde in there as possible, as we would be sorry later on if we didn't) kept getting less and less with each class period. And we dissected these cats for 9 weeks. And I can attest to the fact that these things started to smell. Oh my gosh. And I was usually the one that ended up being first into the dissecting lab, and I was, therefore, the one that usually opened the bag with our cat. And that was the worst part. Oh, that smell would just come zooming right out of the bag. And I remember on the very last day of dissection, I opened the bag (I was already not feeling well that morning) and had to turn my head away, because the smell was making me gag. And Mr. Seitz saw me and said, "Just make it through one more day. You can do it." So I'm thinking my facial expression must have been bad. But I seriously thought I was about to lose it that day.

Smell #3 - The Midnight Funk
Yeah, so this one is near and dear to my heart. Some of you already know this story, some of you do not. But it is at my expense, so I hope you enjoy it as you hear it again or for the first time. So, back when I was married, Heath and I used to hang out with Jon and Julie a lot. We'd always be over at their house playing games (like Rummikub and Name that Tune 80s edition). We'd usually be there until after midnight most nights, and we'd be getting sleepy and it would get close to time for us to go home. Well, Jon would always be like, "Hey, just spend the night guys. It's cool. We have a sleeper sofa. You can just say here." And when I say always, it's not an exaggeration. (Ask Julie). If we went over there, we knew these words would pop out of Jon's mouth at some point in the night. And it got to be where it was so hilarious. Well, one night, Jon made the usual suggestion and Heath kept making up excuses about why we needed to leave. But Jon kept negating those excuses and brushing them aside and insisting that we spend the night. (I'm not entirely sure why Jon wanted this so much, other than the fact that we were a cool-awesome couple and made life lots and lots of fun ;)). So finally, Heath goes, "Well, you know, Hila starts to stink at midnight." It was so random and so out of the blue and we all just started busting out laughing. And so every time we went over there from then on, that was always what got said as it grew closer to midnight: "Oh, we have to go soon, because you know it's almost midnight and Hila starts to smell..." So, that little joke never got old, and even now, it still gets referred to. Mostly by Julie. She said it last night over gmail chat... Told me that she could smell me at midnight (keep in mind she lives 8.5 hours away from me), because I told her to go get a bath before calling me because I could smell her all the way up here. Anyway, so, for the record, I do NOT stink at midnight. And if there is a slight aroma emanating from my beauteous self, it is not a smell (as that has a negative connotation), it is a scent... like perfume. And it smells like vaNILLA wafers :).

Smell #4 - The STANK
Okay, I do believe this is the culmination of the smell stories. At least to this point in my life. But so hilarious. Okay, so while I was living with Julie's parents, (this was probably around the end of September 2006), Julie and Alysha had come home for a visit (they had already moved to Florida the previous month). So, while I was living there, I had my own room, and when Julie would come to visit, she and I usually slept together. And the girls (Alysha and her cousin and friend) would use my room to change clothes and do whatever. Well, it was night and Alysha's friend was over spending the night. It was about time to go to bed, so I had gotten ready for bed and was about to say my prayers. Well, there was a shirt laying on the end of the bed (which I had seen earlier, as it had been laying there all afternoon and evening, but hadn't moved until this time). It was the friend's shirt. So I threw the shirt over into the little seat in the room and proceeded to kneel down to say prayers. Now, I'm halfway through my prayers and I start smelling this really powerful "onion-y" smell. And I'm thinking, "What is this?" So I put my nose closer to the bed and ....WHOA. Talk about over-powering. And I'm just baffled! Why does it smell so bad? My first fear is that my feet must really smell bad, because that's where my feet would be when I was sleeping. And this prospect was pretty mortifying to me. But that just didn't seem to fit, because this was a really powerful, really bad smell. And the more it registered in my mind, the more I realized it was BO (body odor). And then I remembered the shirt. Oh my gosh, the shirt. So I had moved over by this point, finished up my prayer and went over to the chair to pick up the shirt and smell it to confirm my suspicions. And did I ever! Whew! Of course, there's also the relief that it wasn't my feet (and I wouldn't have been telling this story if it had been :)). So, Julie comes in the room, and I tell her what has just happened. Now, I do not know why (and Julie admits she doesn't either), but Julie does not take my word for it. She goes, puts her nose directly ontop of the smelly spot (literally.... her nose is TOUCHING the bed) and she doesn't just sniff, she SUCKS IN the smell. Oh my gosh, if only I'd had a video camera.... She pulls away from the bed, whips toward me and with this look of absolute horror, exclaims, "Oooo STANK!" Oh my gosh, we laughed so hard. And then she goes, "Why did I do that? Why, after you've told me how bad it was, why would I have to see for myself? Next time you tell me about something like this, just make sure I take your word for it!" I seriously cannot do this story justice. But Julie and I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard. We could not stop laughing that night, and my stomach muscles were seriously hurting from laughing so hard. We just kept saying it over and over again as we re-lived Julie's reaction: "Ooo Stank!" And we kept wondering (and really, we still do to this day) how anyone could have smelled so bad that their BO smell saturated the shirt, which saturated the bed. Oh, and Julie threw that shirt on the floor so as to not saturate any more furniture with the STANK. And so now, anytime we are together, if we smell something unpleasant, we say, "ooo Stank!" Of course, I haven't come across anything that reaches the magnitude of "Ooo Stank!" but it is hilarious nonetheless. She and I now gauge smells according to the "Ooo Stank!-ometer" :). And if most of you aren't laughing, at least I know Julie is :).

Okay, so there are some smelly stories from the Nilla Life. There are others (like the SBD pantry incident in Washington sometime around 1991), but these are sufficient for now. Hope you laughed :)!