Friday, February 27, 2015

I Believe...

Sometimes I think we need to be reminded of things...  And so we come across something we (I) intended to blog 3 years ago and never did...  Something we (I) probably haven't read since we (I) wrote it.  And, just in case someone else out there needs any of these thoughts right now...  I'll post it here too.  This was written February 2012.  Apparently I was having a tough time.  But, unbeknownst to me at the time, life was about to look up -- it was just around the corner ;).  A good reminder for the hard times.

(Scriptural references come from The Book of Nephi in The Book of Mormon.)

So, as I mentioned a couple posts back, life has felt harder than necessary lately.  Am I still alive?  Yep.  Still swimming?  Yep.  Sometimes just barely.  But still swimming ;).  

As I was reading scriptures during lunch yesterday, I came across one I’d marked and noted back in January.  Probably an answer to prayer.  Anyway, it’s in Nephi, where Nephi is working to make a ship, because the Lord has told him to do so.  His brothers have spent their time mocking him for building this ship rather than helping him.  And Nephi comments that, because they do not BELIEVE (these two brothers are notorious for complaining about circumstances and not understanding the dealings of their God, and therefore they murmured quite often…), they are unwilling to do the work.  Essentially.  And that stuck out to me back in January.  And I happened to flip by it yesterday during my lunch-time scripture study and saw it and thought, “Hmmm…  Do I believe?”  Believe what?  Doesn’t really matter.  Do I believe the Lord will fulfill His promises?  Do I believe He will provide a way?  Do I believe He has a plan for me?  That He wants me to have joy?  So I started pondering how often this idea of belief leading to work could be found in the scriptures.  So I flipped to the Topical Guide (found at the back of the LDS King James versions of the Bible – it’s a list of topics with reference scriptures for the topic), and looked up “belief”.  Interestingly enough, the “see also” references had “trust” and “trust in God” listed.  Hmmm…  And as I skimmed through the list (which includes the scripture reference and a snippet of the verse containing the word in question – in this case “belief or believe”), I found that, quite often, there was an action that followed the believing.  Because they believed they did hearken.  

So… Do I believe? 

Because if the answer is anything less than yes, well… It’s not enough.  And so, for the past couple days, I’ve been focusing on this question.  Because, if I believe, I will do the work.  Whatever it may be.  And that’s the scary part.  Because, sometimes, life is HARD.  And the work seems phenomenal.  

But I KNOW that the Lord will fulfill His promises (I’ve seen it enough to be able to know it).  I KNOW He will provide a way – even if it’s curvy (so I can’t see around the next corner) and uphill all the way (I’ve seen it enough to be able to know it).  I KNOW He has a plan for me (I’ve been taught this, and I know He knows me and loves me and that I’m His daughter and I’m not here by accident, so I feel pretty confident in saying I know this).  I KNOW He wants me to have joy (again, I’ve been taught this, and if I examine how He has led me in life, I feel confident in saying I know it). 
But just KNOWING, it turns out, isn’t enough.  Which is something I’d never realized before.  I have to actually BELIEVE it too.  Because the BELIEVING is what spurs the action.  Probably because it’s a step on the path of faith.  Believe.  Hope.  Have Faith. 

Something else I thought of last week – at the inception of this particular yuck part of life – was the poison of “what if.”  I was talking to Jeremy on Monday (oh how we love holidays…) and I mentioned it to him.  

Why is it that all “what if’s” seem to be negative?  They undermine hope and belief.  “What if I can’t have children?” “What if all my hair falls out and I am ugly?” “What if no one will ever want to be with me and have me as his wife (this was a fear pre-Jeremy)?” “What if I don’t know what Heavenly Father wants me to do, and so I make a mistake?” What if… What if… What if…  If you examine those few examples I listed, you may recognize the poison in them.  They paralyzed me a lot in a lot of different ways.  They undermined my hope.  And so they undermined my belief.  

And so the other thing I’ve been working on (when I haven’t been wallowing in self-pity) is changing the “what if’s.”

“What if Jeremy will always find me beautiful?” “What if Jeremy and I can have 4 children?” “What if I have had enough experience with personal revelation to be confident in my feelings and my choices and that they are in line with Heavenly Father’s will?” “What if the desires of my heart will be mine?”

Yes, what if…? 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

When the Day is Long...

So I decided to make this a song title post.  This post has been brewing in my head for a few days now.  It's all about perspective.  And perspectives change.  Particularly when something that was once merely a dream becomes a reality.  Like motherhood

I think I was once in la-la land.  From the outside, motherhood looked like a cake-walk.  And it was something I wanted so very much.  I had no idea -- none at all -- how much it would change me.  Motherhood is beautiful.  And I wouldn't trade it.  But it's also no cakewalk

Sometimes the days are long.  Very long.  Like today.

I finally fell asleep between 12:30 and 1 this morning (I'm going through some insomnia nights, which is crazy to me, because I'm an exhausted pregnant lady).  Jeremy's alarm went off at 4:30 and I am pretty sure I woke up.  I went back to sleep, though.  But woke again around 5:50 because I had to pee (another pregnant lady casualty ;)).  I slept about another hour.  Lynnaea woke up around 7:10.  And she was ready to get up.  None of this letting her chill in her crib for a bit longer while I try to doze for 15 or 20 extra minutes.  So I got up.  Got her her "milk milk" and retrieved her from her crib.  And she's always so happy in the morning.  She makes it worth it.  I decided what to do for breakfast (cream of wheat).  I cooked it.  We ate it.  I changed her diaper and her clothes.  I changed mine.  I brushed and flossed my teeth -- and brushed Lynnaea's.  I made a gooey pumpkin cake.  I started feeling sick and had to sit on the couch for a bit while I let my toddler watch Elmo.  Which she is totally cool with.  But sometimes I feel like a bad mom.  And I was just hoping I wasn't getting sick or something.  But maybe I just didn't have something filling enough in my stomach (cream of wheat) for the pre-natal vitamin?  Because it eventually passed, and I was fine.

She came down with yet another cold.  Blech.  So I knew we wouldn't be going to toddler story time today.  But still wanted to go check out new books at the library.  So we headed down to the library at 9:50.  Which means I had to convince my toddler she needed socks, shoes, and a coat on -- it's cold outside.  This takes time, believe me.  I load up all the books in a bag.  And the diaper bag.  I feel like the bag lady.  I remind Lynnaea to grab a spittie (these are essential accessories...), and we manage to get out the door.  I put the rent check out for the mail.  Lynnaea decides she doesn't want me to carry her down the stairs, but instead wants to go up the stairs and around the building to the car.  I relent, because I'm already heavy-laden with books and such.  And she's almost 30 pounds.  So we walk up the steps, down a couple steps, and around the building to the carport.  I load her into the car and get in myself.  And after letting the van warm up for a minute or so...  We're off!  We make it to the library a bit after 10.  We return all our (18) books from last week (plus 4 DVDs).  We get our holds off the hold shelf and look for some new ones.  I let my little girl wander around the kids section.  Yes, I'm that mom...  But there aren't many people there, and she's not being disruptive.  We get our books and check out and we're back in the van by 10:30, when story time usually starts for us.  Lynnaea was not wanting to leave... 

We get home, only this time, I carry Lynnaea and everything up the stairs.  I feel old and tired and fat and pregnant.  We check the mail.  We get in the house.  I unload.  Lynnaea wants a nap.  I want her to wait until after lunch...  We're still adjusting to the one-nap-a-day thing.  But I know if I let her nap early, she'll want to nap again later -- and then not go to sleep at night.  So I do what the "good mom" in me does in emergencies:  I put on a DVD.  Sigh.  (Mommy guilt is a real thing.)  Also, we eat a piece of the pumpkin cake.  Or maybe more than one...

Then it's time to start making lunch.  Cheese quesadillas.  We eat, and it's now a little after noon.  Lynnaea wants to watch another Elmo.  Mommy says no.  She's watched enough for now.  But how about we read some stories to help us get ready for nap-time?  So Lynnaea agrees, and we do.  We read 3 stories.  Including one of her current favorites:  Wow! Said the Owl.  And by the time we finish, it's about 12:40.  So I tell her it's nap-time.  I sing to her as I carry her to her room.  I put her in her crib and she rolls over and sucks her thumb.  I remember I'm supposed to be putting her down in the toddler bed for naps so she starts getting used to the toddler bed (we'll need the crib eventually for this baby).  Oh well, maybe I'll remember tomorrow.  I go lay in my bed and read for 15 minutes.  But I'm so tired.  I just want a nap.  So I roll over, but my baby has spent all those 15 minutes coughing.  And I feel bad for her.  So I go in to see if she can fall asleep while I hold her in an upright position.  But that ends up being a mistake.  Because now she won't go to sleep.  No. matter. what. I. try. 

In frustration -- knowing she needs a nap.  Knowing I do too...  I put her in the crib and let her cry.  I figure she'll eventually go to sleep.  She cries for 30 minutes.  I get no sleep.  I only feel guilt.  Because I've never done that to her before.  Not for 30 minutes.  I am a terrible mother.  Selfish.  I finally go in.  She's standing in her crib, tears streaming down her face.  And now I feel even worse.  We come out to the couch and I hold her.  I tell her I'm sorry.  I promise never to do that again.  And I mean it. 

It's 2:00.  It's anyone's guess if Jeremy will be home at 3 or 5.  But based on the last couple weeks, it'll probably be 5.  But hey, there's over-time, right?  Haha...  Sometimes it's not worth it.  I sit on the couch and play with my baby girl for a while.  I know I need to get started on dinner.  On figuring out what all dinner will be.  By 2:30, I think I've decided on scalloped potatoes.  They cook for 1 1/2 hours.  So I need to start those around 3:30 or so.  I need to cut the veggies for stir fry.  I need to wash the dishes.  But maybe Lynnaea and I should make a smoothie first.  So I consult with my little sous chef.  She agrees.  So we make one (with kale).  And we share it.  And then I put on another Elmo so I can do dishes and start on dinner.  Yep, I'm awesome today...

I get dinner going.  I'm sitting down for a few minutes to relax when I notice Lynnaea is doing her plank stance.  Which means she has to poop, but is holding it.  So I say, "are you pooping?"  She says, "Elmo potty?"  Which means she wants to sit on the potty and use the tablet.  I know this:  she will probably not go to the bathroom on the potty.  She has already succeeded in squashing the urge.  But she wants to use the tablet, and the only way she can is to sit on the potty.  I give in.  Because I don't want to discourage her desire to sit on the potty.  Sometimes she actually does end up going on the potty and we celebrate and make a big deal out of it.  And one day, she'll ask because she wants to go, not just to use the tablet.  So I'll hope for those days and give her the chance when she asks.  Even if I know it's just for tablet-time.  It's 4:50.  She has 10 minutes.  If she does go on the potty, she gets extra tablet time off the potty.  If she doesn't, then her time is up.  So I sit on the bathtub edge while she sits on the potty.  Jeremy comes home.  It's 5:00.  And time for me to finish up the rest of dinner. 

I get everything in the oven (30 minutes to cook) and I'm contemplating washing the dishes so I don't have a mountain to do after we eat.  I also remember I have thawed pumpkin in the fridge and was going to go ahead and make more pumpkin chocolate chip bread to freeze.  And I wanted to get the batter ready so I could pop them in when dinner was done (oven's already hot, right?).  But then I look at my toddler laying on the kitchen floor, sucking her thumb.  She is nearly asleep.  I can't stand to watch her sleep on the kitchen floor.  And, honestly?  I'd rather she didn't sleep at this point.  I know she's tired.  I know she didn't nap. But I still want her to go to bed at a decent time tonight.  I pick her up.  I tell her Daddy will be done with his shower soon, does she want to play with him?  She lays in my arms, sucking her thumb.  I hold her on the couch, and she falls asleep in my arms.  I let her.  Because she is my baby.  Jeremy comes out after his shower and I fill him in on the day.  I tell him how I feel like I've failed today as a mother.  It's been a hard day.  And I didn't even do anything really productive, unless you count making food.

I lay Lynnaea down on the bean bag chair and she continues to sleep.  I make a mess of my kitchen trying to make vegetables and pumpkin bread batter before everything is ready to eat.  The scalloped potatoes have overflowed (which I anticipated) and when I heat the oven up further for the bread, the drip pan -- which remains in the oven temporarily -- starts to smoke with all the potato stuff that overflowed.  And the smoke alarm goes off.  We manage to eat dinner somewhere between 5:45 and 6.  Lynnaea wakes up a bit before we get everything on the table.  Her nap was not long, and not where she normally naps (in her room).  She is disoriented, and wants only mommy.  So I hold her as I try to get everything on the table (and Jeremy tries to clear the smoke out of the house).

We eat dinner.  It's a pretty successful meal.  But the dishes are mountainous, and I want to start washing.  So I do.  I dread the potato dish and the drip pan (which I should have prepped better than I did...).  I get about 5 dishes washed when Lynnaea almost falls out of her chair at the table.  (She likes to stand in her chair and sometimes doesn't watch where she's walking...).  She's tired, so everything is melt-down worthy.  And mommy is the one she wants at these times.  So she starts fussing and runs into the kitchen to get me.  I pick her up and sit with her on the couch for a few minutes.  She sits snuggled at my side.  Really, she just wants to snuggle, which is rare for her.  Jeremy comes and sits on her other side and she decides she'll accept Daddy so Mommy can go back to washing dishes.  I get almost all the dishes done and take a break to get a shower.  When I am done with my shower, I hear Lynnaea banging on the bathroom door, "mama!"  I open it up and let her in.  She is so happy.  I take a break (or waste some time) and scroll through facebook.  Lynnaea wants to sit on my lap and "help."  I let her.  It's after 7, and getting close to time for her to get into her pajamas and have her night-time "milk milk" and have a new diaper.  So we move into that routine.  We have scriptures and prayer and sing a church song.  We brush her teeth.  I give her a small piece of floss too.  Because she's seen me and Jeremy floss, so she wants to as well.  She's content with 3 inches ;).  We pick out 3 stories to read.  But that becomes 4.  It's 8:30, and I put her to bed.  I sing to her as I carry her there.  I lay her down and cover her.  I come back out to finish the dishes.  The "hard ones."

I finish them.  Finally.  I pull the remaining of my Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies out.  I deserve them tonight.  My baby starts crying.  I go in for her.  She is standing in her crib.  I pick her up.  She has only been in there 15 minutes, but she is sweaty.  Her head is soaked.  And her forehead feels cold/clammy.  I realize she must have had a low-grade fever.  Still feeling like mother of the year over here -- I didn't even realize it.  Her fever has broken, I guess.  I feel bad.  I lower the heat in her room and bring her out to the living room to cool down (her room is the warmest in the house).  She wants to read more stories after I snuggle her for a bit.  And then she wants to play "throw the ball."  I agree to the stories -- not to the ball.  It's bed-time, after all.  By 9:00, I am able to take her back to her room.  But she says, "Rock rock."  This is how she asks for me to rock her.  She doesn't always want this anymore.  So when she asks, I do.  Because I've already seen that these moments are fleeting.  I lay her down after a few minutes.  I am able to come out and have my "me time."  Jeremy is in bed already. 

11:00, and I hear Jeremy cough and then I hear Lynnaea call out, "No!"  So I go in to check on her, expecting her to be awake.  She isn't.  She must be dreaming.  So I rub her back and sing softly to her.  I don't want her to have bad dreams.  She continues to sleep.  I have finished my book, so I decide to blog.  Even though it's late.  And even though I'm tired.  It's been a long day.  It's nearly midnight now, and I'm wrapping up.

Yes, motherhood is no cake-walk.  I have felt a wider range of emotions than I knew existed since becoming a mother.  I have felt guilt and not-good-enoughness (there is a word for this, but my tired brain can't grasp it right now) like never before.  But I have felt love like never before too.  And joy.

The other day, I was at Trader Joe's.  They have these little carts for kids to push around.  It's still a little too big for Lynnaea (she has to reach up to push it, and her eyes are looking underneath the handlebar), but I let her try pushing it.  She loved it.  And everyone in the store thought she was the cutest.  One older couple, as they smiled while watching her, turned to me and said, "They grow up fast."  They are not the first to tell me.  I shared with them a quote I read not too long ago.  It is a quote that has really stuck with me -- and probably will for the rest of my life.

The days are long, but the years are short.

They agreed.  It's always older people who tell me these things.  And they never say it in that "oh thank goodness these years pass quickly" type of way.  I hear in those statements what they don't say:  cherish every moment, even the hard ones, for they are gone so quickly and you will miss them terribly.

Yes, the days are long.  And pretty unglamorous.  I make a million mistakes.  I get frustrated.  But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  And the years are short.  The last couple of weeks, I've looked at Lynnaea, and I realize:  she is not a baby anymore.  She is growing up so fast.  She looks like a little girl.  Where have the last 2 years gone?

And so, I try to remember.  I try to remember the unspoken words:  cherish each moment, even the hard ones.  It's not always easy.  But I try.
Lynnaea today at exactly 1 year and 9 months.
Lynnaea one year ago at 9 months.
Me today at 25 weeks.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Baby Bump -- Again

Seeing as I'm such an awesome blog-updater... 

Truth is, not much really happens around here.  I went to book club tonight.  We had an uneventful 3-day weekend (okay, so supposedly every day is a weekend day for me...  But Jeremy had yesterday off for President's Day, ergo it was a 3-day weekend).  Lynnaea and I went to Toddler Story Time today and she made a sparkly Mardi Gras mask.

Oh yeah, it was Valentine's Day on Saturday.  Forgot about that.  We're super-romantic.  We ate ice cream and watched Remember the Titans (just because I love that movie and get a hankering to watch it about once a year).  Lynnaea watched it with us.  And also ate ice cream :).  She thought it was the best Valentine's Day of her life.  And earlier in the day, Jeremy built her a cardboard box city.  She thought that was the bees-knees!

So that's the big news.  Like I said, we're not full of exciting-ness.

But another week has passed, and I'm 24 weeks pregnant today.  So I took my picture.  And Lynnaea was in on it too :).  And isn't she just so cute!?!  She has really been letting me put her hair up a lot lately and she leaves it in.  Adorable.  I love this little stinker.  A lot.

Oh, I guess there is one funny story...  So I bought this little Disney Princess riding thing for Lynnaea at a thrift store here.  Paid $3.50 for it and thought that was a great bargain.  Jeremy cleaned it up and even took it all apart to help it work better (eh, I don't know... it was sounding kind of sad initially and then when he was done with it, it sounded much better).  Lynnaea was thrilled with her new toy.  I was proud of my bargain buy.  Until 3:00 in the morning when it was in the living room with nothing else but the inflatable horse and started making noise.  Creepy!  But from what I've heard from other people is that this is common with those particular toys...  Over time, they start turning on by themselves.  So now we pop out a battery after Lynnaea goes to bed each night.  Just to make sure ;).  It's funny what becomes part of the routine when you're a parent.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Bump to Bump

My sister stopped by for a bit this afternoon.  And while we didn't dance together cheek to cheek (I'm a dork...), we did take a picture bump to bump :).
I'm at 23 weeks today, and she's around 21.  She's having a boy.  Ours is still a mystery, but we still think boy.  I think it's pretty awesome that so far both of my kiddos have a cousin very close in age.  When I had Lynnaea, Brad and his wife had just had Vivienne a month before.  Christina will have her baby very near when I have mine.  There's even potential of a same-day delivery, since she has c-sections and will be scheduled early.  And if I go a little late...  Well, wouldn't that be funny.

Anyway, thought my dad would enjoy that picture.
Desiree read a book to Emily and Lynnaea.  That is one of Lynnaea's favorite books we've checked out from the library.  It's called Wow! Said the Owl.  It's about colors and a curious little owl who stayed up all day so she could see what the daytime was like.  And she was amazed by all the colors.  It's a really cute story.
And it seems like no post is complete without a Lynnaea and mommy selfie.  Because anytime she sees my camera, she wants to take a picture.  She has a camera of her own that we film videos of her on and then let her walk around the house watching them.  But my camera is off limits -- other than taking pictures ;).

This munchkin had a full and fun day today.  We went and tried out Toddler Time (an interesting experience for me as a mom...) and then we joined our friends Megan and Jack (Jack's about 2 weeks younger than Lynnaea) at McDonald's for lunch (they also went to Toddler Time).  Then we came home, took naps, went to the library to get new books (we kept the owl book for another week...).  Then Christina and the girls came over.  And then Daddy got home from work.  So it was a full day!  Those are the kind she likes best, though...  She's my little adventurer.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Heart in a Blender

So when I first told my mom about that song (well over a decade ago now), she said "Gross." 

True, it doesn't leave such a nice mental image:  heart in a blender.  But I loved that song years ago.  And I still like it.  And I felt it was somewhat applicable to this random post.

Which is not at all about what the song really is about.  But it is, usually, what goes through my head almost anytime I think the word "blender."  It's something I do frequently:  hear song lyrics in my head for something I hear or think. 

And blenders have been a topic of much conversation in our household lately.  Because our "old" blender (pictured above) pretty much bit the dust.  A few weeks back (maybe even months now), Jeremy was pureeing up a bunch of pumpkin from our garden.  We roast it, puree it, and then freeze it and I have it for pies and pumpkin bread, etc.  Well, our little 350-watt blender just didn't have the oomph anymore to keep up with our demands.  And we started smelling the motor.  And noticing it wasn't blending or pureeing very well anymore.

Then, last week, Lynnaea and I were going to enjoy a smoothie.  And somehow the gasket seal got sucked up into the jar (I was using a mason jar instead of the actual pitcher), and torn -- and that pretty much sealed the fate of the blender. 

This blender has been in my possession for almost 15 years.  And that's why I named this post as I did:  heart in a blender.  Because the more I live, the more I see how I personally (and possibly many others) attach emotional significance to things.  And I think that's mostly for the memories they hold.

I can remember I bought this blender at the very end of June in 2000 in Dothan.  I bought it at Wal-Mart.  And I figured it was just one more thing I would add to my "hope chest" for the "one day" when I was living on my own.  And I remember all this, because it was also the night I had my very first kiss.  (I don't count the one from pre-school ;)).  Yes, go ahead and do the math.  I was 19 years old.

And so, in a way, you could say a piece of me is in that blender -- my memories.  And so, as I sit on the cusp of throwing it out (at least the bottom part -- and the top part I'd actually already replaced.... I broke the plastic pitcher that came with it a year or two ago...), I acknowledge that I have attached a sentimental value to this blender. 

And I realize I could easily become a pack-rat for this very reason.  For I attach sentimental value to most things.  I put my heart in a blender...  In a camera...  a DVD...  And even a hot chocolate carafe set.

It's true that things are just things.  But, for me at least, it's also true that they are sometimes more.  And no, I won't be hanging on to the blender motor for the sake of memories.  That is part of why I recorded these thoughts here.  But it makes me to smile to look around me and see a house full of memories.  And it makes me smile to know that I'll make new memories with my new blender -- a new one in which to put my heart...  Starting with green smoothies ;).

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Second Trimester Woes

Well, all my excitedness of only gaining 5 pounds for the first 18 weeks of this pregnancy are officially gone.  Because then I gained 10 in 4.  Impressive.  Seriously, I think the second trimester is my worst for weight gain.  It was true with Lynnaea and it's true with this little munchkin.

Who likes to get active in the early morning, by the way...  This baby is very mobile around the time Jeremy gets up in the morning.  And now that he's back on day shift, that's around 4:30.  Yuck!

So anyway, that's my biggest complaint.  I had an appointment today.  22 weeks and 2 days.  Here is my most recent belly picture (taken right before I went to bed, so excuse the tired look...)
But aside from being fat...  everything is good.  Baby's heartbeat was 151 today.  Baby is currently kicking as I type.  Or doing something in there ;).  My next appointment will follow the delicious glucose test.  Yippy skippy! 

I do have to say this pregnancy is zooming by.  Apparently this is what happens when you have a little one to keep up with!  The doctor said basically that same thing today as I was telling her (after she asked) that all is going well, I'm just tired a lot.  But I think that's mainly because I have an almost-two year old to keep after all day.  And she has a ton of energy!  When I was pregnant with Lynnaea, I couldn't wait for each week when I would read my pregnancy books and see what was happening that week -- what milestones my baby was reaching.  This pregnancy is so different.  I think I've looked at the books twice!  The time just isn't there for me to look at them so religiously.  And it's not that this baby is any less loved or important.  Just that real life with a toddler means you have less time.  It's just interesting.  Plus, I suppose it's also part of it that I have been through this before and so I have less questions. 

Jeremy just loves when I take random pictures of him.  And loves it even more when I post them.  But seriously, this was so cute...  So Jeremy was in playing with Lynnaea this evening so I could get dinner done.  He laid down on the floor while playing.  So I happened to peek in there, and she had laid down and was putting the blocks on her tummy.  It was the cutest thing.  She really is a little copy-cat.  She loves to do what we do.  Which includes helping me with my tweezers...
And, of course, once she sees me with the camera, she wants a picture taken.  So we take one ;).  She intentionally put her fingers to her face for the picture.  Not sure what's up with that.  Silly little bug ;).
And a lady at church made these pioneer bonnets for my mom from when they were in Primary together.  So Lynnaea and I tried them on.  Cute huh ;)?  I love this little girl.  She makes me laugh.

And lastly... 

So, I've never watched The Tonight Show, really.  I mean, I'm sure I've seen a few episodes here and there.  Or at least snippets of it.  But the more clips I see floating around facebook, now that Jimmy Fallon is the host, the more I think I'd like it.  And so I'd probably watch it if we had tv.  (We have a TV, but we don't have any channels that come in.)  And this is the one that came across my facebook feed today (seriously, if you're at all interested in 90s teen sitcoms, you need to watch this :)).  I sure do love a good blast from the past!

Seriously, I've loved Jimmy Fallon since his Saturday Night Live days.  He was one of my favorites.  So it's not surprising to me that he has done awesome things with his new gig at The Tonight Show :). 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Ebb and Flow

I have heard often that things go in phases.  Ebb and flow.



And apparently, blogging.

And reading.

These days, I am preferring to pick up the book I'm reading over sitting down to write.  Which is kind of a bummer, because I love to write.  I have lots of things stirring in my head, and there is a large part of me that wants to get them out through my fingertips (since I can't say "on paper" as I don't exactly do that when I'm blogging...).

And yet, I choose to read.

The thing is, my "me" time is limited.  It has been one of the bigger challenges of motherhood for me, honestly.  Spending 32 years of my life doing what I wanted when I wanted got me used to that.  And I suppose I still could do that.  But I'd rather have a child who feels important to me.  Like she matters enough for me to sacrifice my wants for her.  Because she does.  And so I try my best to do that.  I'm not saying I'm 100% awesome at it.  Sometimes, when I'm just needing a break, I pop in some Elmo show and let her watch it while I steal some "me" time -- or try to prep dinner (which doesn't qualify as "me" time, just FYI...).

But I know these moments will pass.  And one day, when I have lots of "me" time again, I'll be wondering where the years went -- where my little girl went who wanted to play with me.  And I'd really rather look back and know I took advantage of these little moments.  Even if they come at the expense of "me" time.

It's still hard sometimes.  I see my selfish streak quite clearly now as a mother.  But I think part of the experiences of life are to help us overcome those very weaknesses we have.  Whether they be selfishness or something else.  Motherhood has been a great teacher for me.  It's also been something that has made me feel like a failure more than ever before...  But I learn each day.  And I know my little girl is helping me be a better person than I was.  Each and every day.

And I love her.

So yeah...  Ebb and flow.  I choose to read in those few moments of solid "me" time, usually at the end of every day.