Ebb and Flow

I have heard often that things go in phases.  Ebb and flow.

Marriage.

Life.

And apparently, blogging.

And reading.

These days, I am preferring to pick up the book I'm reading over sitting down to write.  Which is kind of a bummer, because I love to write.  I have lots of things stirring in my head, and there is a large part of me that wants to get them out through my fingertips (since I can't say "on paper" as I don't exactly do that when I'm blogging...).

And yet, I choose to read.

The thing is, my "me" time is limited.  It has been one of the bigger challenges of motherhood for me, honestly.  Spending 32 years of my life doing what I wanted when I wanted got me used to that.  And I suppose I still could do that.  But I'd rather have a child who feels important to me.  Like she matters enough for me to sacrifice my wants for her.  Because she does.  And so I try my best to do that.  I'm not saying I'm 100% awesome at it.  Sometimes, when I'm just needing a break, I pop in some Elmo show and let her watch it while I steal some "me" time -- or try to prep dinner (which doesn't qualify as "me" time, just FYI...).

But I know these moments will pass.  And one day, when I have lots of "me" time again, I'll be wondering where the years went -- where my little girl went who wanted to play with me.  And I'd really rather look back and know I took advantage of these little moments.  Even if they come at the expense of "me" time.

It's still hard sometimes.  I see my selfish streak quite clearly now as a mother.  But I think part of the experiences of life are to help us overcome those very weaknesses we have.  Whether they be selfishness or something else.  Motherhood has been a great teacher for me.  It's also been something that has made me feel like a failure more than ever before...  But I learn each day.  And I know my little girl is helping me be a better person than I was.  Each and every day.

And I love her.

So yeah...  Ebb and flow.  I choose to read in those few moments of solid "me" time, usually at the end of every day.