Born That Man No More May Die

The first Sunday of December, the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a Christmas devotional.  This year, we tuned in from home, now that we've joined the throngs of people with things like Roku sticks.  It was awesome to be able to do that.  If you're interested in hearing the talks (which were amazing), you can follow this link.

The choir, in the beginning of the devotional, sang Hark!  The Herald Angels Sing.  I've heard this song a bazillion times.  I've sung it close to that many times.  Who hasn't?  But, like other things in life, sometimes you'll hear a song you've heard your whole life and suddenly something different stands out.  Something powerful.  And you'll find yourself not able to sing, because of the tears streaming down your face.

That's how it happened for me this year.  The words I used as the title for this post hit me really hard and impacted me greatly.  Perhaps it is because we lost Brad this year.  And that still seems so unreal to say (or type).  I don't go moping through life at the loss of my brother.  But there are moments that blind-side me when the grief washes over me and the pain is fresh.  I miss him terribly, and yes, my heart is still broken that he is not here.  But I know I will see him again. 

That is the power of these words.  Born that man no more may die.  What a beautiful promise.  Especially for those of us who have lost someone we cherish so much.  

But something else also hit me powerfully in that moment.  Again, nothing new to me.  And yet it struck me powerfully in that moment and I saw it differently.  And that is the mission of that little Baby, whose birth we celebrate this season.  Born that man no more may die.  His mission was unique.  And vital.  But the mother in me aches, because I understand that phrase.  How grateful I am that He came.  That He chose to come -- to be born -- that man no more may die.  I don't know what Mary knew or understood about the mission her baby boy was to perform.  I only know, as I sit here, very heavy with child myself, that a mother's love is indescribable.  I don't know if I could handle the magnitude of pain associated with my child being born that man no more may die, considering what that entailed.   

But I am grateful that she was strong enough to teach him; and that He was strong enough to do the will of His Father.  I am grateful for what that means for me.  I am grateful He was born that man no more may die.  I am grateful for that precious little baby boy -- the hope of the world.

(We took a better picture after this, but this one cracks me up ;)). 

Pineapple and Mangoes

With a post title like that, I could be talking about my awesome THRIVE Life fruits!  Haha.  But I'm not. 

Reading hasn't been as much of a priority lately.  I want it to be.  But it just isn't.  There are so many other things on my plate.  However, I am managing to get a little reading in here and there, and currently I am reading a book by Sheri Dew called No One Can Take Your Place.  And I'm loving it.  I particularly enjoyed the chapter I was reading today, because it was about one of my favorite couples:  Gordon and Marjorie Hinckley.  And, though I had already recognized the special woman Marjorie Pay Hinckley was (is), I came to see it even more after reading a quote of hers from this book. 

You see...  I'm a bit of a past-dweller.  I am always looking back and grieving the loss of what was.  It's a terrible thing, really, because it robs me of the opportunity to enjoy what is.  And what is yet to come. 

I'm working on it.  Because my life is a gift.  Yes, there are things I wish were the way they were instead of the way they are.  But I really can't do anything about that, so I need to just let it go and move forward.  Enjoy the blessings of today, because they are plenty and amazing.  Life is an adventure, each and every day.

So the quote from the book that got me...  It was Marjorie Hinckley's response to her daughter, who had recently moved to Hawaii and was missing the cherries in her parents' backyard.  Marjorie told her daughter, "Don't grieve over the cherries.  Enjoy the pineapple and mangoes."

Such a wonderful life lesson summed up in a statement that, superficially, is about fruit. 

Because, yes, the cherries -- I'm sure -- were wonderful.  But they aren't the only wonderful fruit.  And I may have cherries again in the future, but there will come a day when the mangoes and pineapple aren't at my fingertips.  So I need to enjoy them while I can.

And so I shall try...

Here's one thing that's been keeping me super-busy (or should I say TWO, since I'm working on two at the same time...  It seems I never just make one I-Spy Quilt ;)).

And here are my pineapple and mango ;)...  Actually, when I really step back and see how much my babies have grown, I know.  I know intellectually that the time is short.  When I feel Corbin's little toddler arms around my neck as he gives me one of his sweetest hugs (after going to the store without him and then returning home ;)), I realize that there will come a time when I will forget what those little toddler arms feel like around my neck hugging me so tight.  In fact, I've already forgotten what Lynnaea's felt like back then. 

Be Still

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

There have been times in my life when Heavenly Father has let me know He is "there" and aware of me in very special ways.  Back in 2010, I documented one such instance.  It remains one of my most precious memories, because I knew He was communicating with me in a special way that day.  Today I will document another so I never forget.

Today, our church bulletin indicated that we would be singing "Have I Done Any Good?" as our closing song for Sacrament Meeting. But what we actually sang for closing is posted above. I don't know why it got changed, who changed it, or when.  But I know what that song is for me.

I don't believe in coincidence.  But I do believe in a loving Father and a Savior who love me.  And They love you, too.

So,
Be still, my soul: ...
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

When [I've So Far] Had [36] Years to Live

I am 36 today.  Writing that is crazy.  Because it doesn't seem possible.  36 is closer to 40 than 30.  Ha!  And, mentally, I still feel like I should be 22.  But I am not.  I am 36.  And that isn't a bad thing. (Just a weird one!)  Oh, the title is from a song that I will always love and which will always be special to me.  I can't remember the first time I heard it.  But I can remember the first time I heard about it.  You can listen to it here.  I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever watched that video...  I'm a little teary-eyed.

Anyway...  I've been reflecting a lot on 36 years.  The things I wish I'd have done better.  The things I'm glad I did.  The things I wish I hadn't done at all. 

I have had a full -- and blessed -- 36 years.  There has been sorrow and pain.  There has been fun that I still smile and laugh about now.  There has been joy beyond measure.  Aren't these the things that make up life, after all? 

I think of trips back and forth between Washington and Alabama.  I think of working at a funeral home.  I think of throwing loud objects in the library at almost closing time.  I think of brand new babies in my arms.  And little arms that wrap around me and little voices that call me Mommy.  I think of 80s games, and 80s movies.  I think of quilting in the back of a library.  I think of going under a library building, of rats in a library, of Marvelous Monday Meals.  I think of rain forest forts, and "island-jumping," lifeguards I crushed on as a 15 year old girl, and being asked out at that same age by a young GI.  I think of stickers (the in-the-grass-kind), theme parties, and holding hands with someone I love.  These -- and so many more memories -- just make me smile.  Some of them even make me laugh.  Truly, my 36 years have been blessed.

I do have regrets.  I wish I'd have been kinder.  I wish I'd always built others up -- especially those I love the most.  I wish I would have never caused anyone to feel like less (even if I never did so intentionally, I have come to realize that there were times I did).  I wish I'd have apologized easier and loved more.  I wish I would have been more humble.  I wish I'd have kept my mouth shut sometimes -- and spoken up at others.

And I don't intend this to be a sad, depressing thing.  Turning 36 is not that ;).  But the thing is, I can improve.  I can do all those things I wish I had done.  I can't go back and do them then.  But I can go forward.  And be better.  After all...

Every day's a new day.

Living the Dream

I have at least 2 blog posts that are in draft form and may or may not ever get finished and published.  How's that for getting things done ;)! 

Last night, as I sat on the couch reading, I heard Lynnaea call for me.  It was about 10:30, and I was getting close to my bed-time and the time I would go in to get Lynnaea to go potty one last time for the night.  (This has been wildly successful.  She hasn't had a night-time accident in at least a month.)  But I heard her call for me, so went in and got her.  She was mostly in a sleeping-state still, so we went potty and then I took her and held her with me on the couch. 

As her little body curled up on me, as I looked down at her not-so-little legs (they got so long all of a sudden... when did that happen?), I thought again of how fleeting these moments are.  And I reminded myself -- again -- that this is what's important right now. 

Not the book I want to write.

Or how I want to see my small business boom.

Or how I want to travel the world.

I am, literally, living the dream.  My dream.  Being a mother was the deepest desire of my heart. 

And yet, sometimes, I think about my other dreams.  I feel a pull to be successful in the eyes of the world -- a yearning to be more than just a mom.  And sometimes I allow that to blur what's really important. 

"What matters most is what lasts longest."  "No other success can compensate for failure in the home." 

Such wise words. 

Tonight, I enjoyed some me-time out with a couple of fabulous ladies.  Just an hour and a half, but it was perfect.  When I got home, Lynnaea ran to me saying, "Mommy!  You're home!"  The joy in her voice, on her face...  It was infectious.  Both she and Corbin wanted me to hold them.  And so I did.  Sometimes I forget how much their world revolves around me.  Not because I'm someone amazing.  But because I am their mommy.  There is no "just a mom" to them.  I am their mommy, and that's all they need me to be -- and all they want me to be.  Flawed as I am, they love me unconditionally.  I am living the dream.

There is nothing wrong with my other dreams.  But there will be time enough for them.  Someday.  When there are no little bodies to have curl up on me at night.  No mischievous little smiles coming my way right before little hands touch a "no-no."  For now, I'm living the best dream.  I'm choosing the better part.  I'm choosing them.  They are my dream come true.

The Trials We are Not Called to Endure

I think too much sometimes.  Usually when I should be sleeping, and I'm lying awake in bed, knowing I need to sleep, but unable to do so.

Lately, my mind has turned to the subject of trials.  The trials we are called upon to endure.  And those we are not.  And why.

We live in a fallen world.  There is sadness and pain, difficulties and challenges.  The fact that we will all face trials remains.  And so we will all, at some point or another; to one degree or another, experience the sadness and pain, the difficulties and challenges.  But will also know joy.  And growth.  Learning.  Hope. 

But why the trials which we each individually face?  What is it about our particular trials that are so important for us to go through.  That is the thought I'd considered often as of late. 

I look at my own trials.  Those I've faced so far.  They have been hard.  Some I would even describe as excruciating and heart-breaking. 

I look at the trials others face and think I could not endure what they have been asked to endure. 

And I wonder:  why were they called to endure it, while I was not? 

I know it is because whatever I am to learn will come through the trials I have been and will be called upon to endure.  But some trials I've not been given -- which have been given to another -- well, honestly, it breaks my heart for them to have to endure it.  And perhaps others feel the same as they look upon me and my trials.

I have heard a quote that says something to the effect of:  If we all put our trials into a bag and had to pick out new ones... If we saw the trials others had to face, we'd be anxious to pick our own back out.  It is an interesting thought.  And I think, perhaps, it is because -- though we may not realize it -- we've already been equipped to deal with the trials and challenges we are given.  Our trials are uniquely ours, and the lessons we will gain will be so too.

Now, none of this is to say that we must do it alone.  I firmly believe in a Savior.  I believe He performed the Atonement for me.  I believe he knows how I feel.  And I believe He will help me through any trial.  In fact, I know it.  For I have felt it.  I heard a song for the first time recently.  The Primary children at church sang it as part of their Primary Program this past Sunday.  It is what one of my friends calls a "goosebump" song.  I have come to identify that feeling with the Spirit testifying to me of truth.  The song applies here.  It's beautiful, and you can listen to it here.

Anyway, those are just random (and quite badly written) musings of a tired mommy brain.

I Believe...

Sometimes I think we need to be reminded of things...  And so we come across something we (I) intended to blog 3 years ago and never did...  Something we (I) probably haven't read since we (I) wrote it.  And, just in case someone else out there needs any of these thoughts right now...  I'll post it here too.  This was written February 2012.  Apparently I was having a tough time.  But, unbeknownst to me at the time, life was about to look up -- it was just around the corner ;).  A good reminder for the hard times.

(Scriptural references come from The Book of Nephi in The Book of Mormon.)

So, as I mentioned a couple posts back, life has felt harder than necessary lately.  Am I still alive?  Yep.  Still swimming?  Yep.  Sometimes just barely.  But still swimming ;).  

As I was reading scriptures during lunch yesterday, I came across one I’d marked and noted back in January.  Probably an answer to prayer.  Anyway, it’s in Nephi, where Nephi is working to make a ship, because the Lord has told him to do so.  His brothers have spent their time mocking him for building this ship rather than helping him.  And Nephi comments that, because they do not BELIEVE (these two brothers are notorious for complaining about circumstances and not understanding the dealings of their God, and therefore they murmured quite often…), they are unwilling to do the work.  Essentially.  And that stuck out to me back in January.  And I happened to flip by it yesterday during my lunch-time scripture study and saw it and thought, “Hmmm…  Do I believe?”  Believe what?  Doesn’t really matter.  Do I believe the Lord will fulfill His promises?  Do I believe He will provide a way?  Do I believe He has a plan for me?  That He wants me to have joy?  So I started pondering how often this idea of belief leading to work could be found in the scriptures.  So I flipped to the Topical Guide (found at the back of the LDS King James versions of the Bible – it’s a list of topics with reference scriptures for the topic), and looked up “belief”.  Interestingly enough, the “see also” references had “trust” and “trust in God” listed.  Hmmm…  And as I skimmed through the list (which includes the scripture reference and a snippet of the verse containing the word in question – in this case “belief or believe”), I found that, quite often, there was an action that followed the believing.  Because they believed they did hearken.  

So… Do I believe? 

Because if the answer is anything less than yes, well… It’s not enough.  And so, for the past couple days, I’ve been focusing on this question.  Because, if I believe, I will do the work.  Whatever it may be.  And that’s the scary part.  Because, sometimes, life is HARD.  And the work seems phenomenal.  

But I KNOW that the Lord will fulfill His promises (I’ve seen it enough to be able to know it).  I KNOW He will provide a way – even if it’s curvy (so I can’t see around the next corner) and uphill all the way (I’ve seen it enough to be able to know it).  I KNOW He has a plan for me (I’ve been taught this, and I know He knows me and loves me and that I’m His daughter and I’m not here by accident, so I feel pretty confident in saying I know this).  I KNOW He wants me to have joy (again, I’ve been taught this, and if I examine how He has led me in life, I feel confident in saying I know it). 

But just KNOWING, it turns out, isn’t enough.  Which is something I’d never realized before.  I have to actually BELIEVE it too.  Because the BELIEVING is what spurs the action.  Probably because it’s a step on the path of faith.  Believe.  Hope.  Have Faith. 

Something else I thought of last week – at the inception of this particular yuck part of life – was the poison of “what if.”  I was talking to Jeremy on Monday (oh how we love holidays…) and I mentioned it to him.  

Why is it that all “what if’s” seem to be negative?  They undermine hope and belief.  “What if I can’t have children?” “What if all my hair falls out and I am ugly?” “What if no one will ever want to be with me and have me as his wife (this was a fear pre-Jeremy)?” “What if I don’t know what Heavenly Father wants me to do, and so I make a mistake?” What if… What if… What if…  If you examine those few examples I listed, you may recognize the poison in them.  They paralyzed me a lot in a lot of different ways.  They undermined my hope.  And so they undermined my belief.  

And so the other thing I’ve been working on (when I haven’t been wallowing in self-pity) is changing the “what if’s.”

“What if Jeremy will always find me beautiful?” “What if Jeremy and I can have 4 children?” “What if I have had enough experience with personal revelation to be confident in my feelings and my choices and that they are in line with Heavenly Father’s will?” “What if the desires of my heart will be mine?”

Yes, what if…? 

 

Thoughts on Blogging

So lately I have caught the reading bug... again.  I catch it from time to time ;).  And I want to do nothing but sit and read.  It's not even just because I have gotten into a really great book.  It's just that I want to read.  These days, that means I stay up far too late (because it's really the only time I get to read, after the little one goes to bed).  Anyway, this has not much to do with my post, except that I decided to finally write about some of my musings after reading this quote from John Adams (from the book John Adams by David McCullough -- a thoroughly enjoyable book, of which I am about 2/3 of the way done!): 

"whether they be old or young, rich or poor, high or low, wise or foolish, ignorant or learned, every individual is seen to be strongly actuated by a desire to be seen, heard, talked of, approved and respected."

Those words really ring true with me.  I've thought often about why blogging was (maybe still is?) so popular.  Why do I have 5 different blogs, with contemplations of starting a new one?  Why is facebook so wildly popular?  Why do I want to publish a book in my lifetime?

And, at least for me, I think a part of it is exactly what John Adams wrote many, many years ago in the late 1700s.  It is a desire to be noticed.

Now, I do not have the desire to be noticed such that I'd be willing to be notorious and do something awful.  I learned long ago (I hope ;)) that bad attention is not good attention!  But for some reason, I've always wanted to be somebody.  I've wanted my writing to impact lives.  I can remember something my 11th grade Physiology teacher wrote in my yearbook.  He wrote that he hoped to see my name in lights some day.  And at age 16, I hoped he would too.  And, though I sit here, 16 years later, I can't say I've seen that happen -- I mean, so few of us really do.  But I can't deny I've still hoped from time to time that I would make an impact on the world.  That I would 'be seen, heard, talked of, approved and respected' as a person. 

And maybe I can't speak for others and the reasons they blog or share stuff on facebook, etc.  I just know that, while it may not be my only reason, I have to be honest and admit that it's definitely a part of the reasons I blog and facebook and still dream of being published one day.  I have to admit that it's why I love the comments and likes and things of that nature that come through social media. 

Does this make me seem shallow?  Oh, I suppose it's possible.  But based on the quote by John Adams, I guess it also makes me pretty darn human.  And I've never claimed to be anything more than that ;)...

And here's a few pictures for your viewing pleasure :). 

This was the very first day she let me put her hair up and she didn't take it out immediately.  We've had one other successful day so far.  We're working on it ;).

So one of Lynnaea's fun pastimes is getting cans out of the can rack and putting them on the counter.  I have no idea why she likes doing this, but she does.  So here she is putting a can of chicken on the counter...

ANd here she is by the can rack -- which is in our room due to space constraints.  So she travels back and forth from our room to the kitchen with canned goods.  Giggling the whole way.  She's pretty determined too.  It's stinkin' cute.

Her other new thing stems from her automatic desire to hit mommy (me) when she's frustrated.  I'm assuming this must be a stage kids go through, because we don't hit in our household.  Like at all.  We don't spank Lynnaea, and we've never hit each other.  And yet, she has somehow determined that hitting mommy is a good response to frustration (when I'm the source of said frustration).  Anyway, we are having none of that, and she goes to time out for hitting.  But always, right after she hits me, I grab her arm (that just hit me) and sternly say "No ma'am, we do not hit Mommy."  And then she goes to time out.  After which, when time out is done, we talk about why she was in time out and why it is not okay to hit Mommy (or Daddy, though she's never tried with him).  Anyway, that's just the back story.  Earlier this week, she started running around the house saying "Don't hit Mommy."  Very emphasized, very clearly, and very well-spaced between words.  So it's like "Don't. Hit. Mommy." 

Yes, she's my little copy-cat.

Ah yes, potty time.  So she gets to use the tablet while she sits on the potty.  We're still at the stage of helping her understand that we go potty in the potty.  So we just pick a random time and sit her on the potty for 10 to 15 minutes.  We've had success a few times, but nothing consistent.  But anyway, Jeremy was trying to make a "table" for her to hold the tablet.  And we put a jacket on her if she's been in footie pajamas, since essentially, when she's in the footies, we have to take them off completely during potty time. And we don't want her to get too cold ;).  It's kind of cute.

I think this was right before book club.  She wanted to take a picture, because I'd just finished doing a pregnant belly picture.

I've started making green smoothies using my THRIVE ingredients, and I love it!  So does this little pretty girl.  She always asks for more and drinks it all up!  And I feel happy to oblige, when I know she's getting extra veggies :).

Sometimes it's tough being a toddler! 

So, we've been working on the transition to one nap a day.  But many days, her one nap is a garbage nap (read: no more than 45 minutes).  But she usually doesn't want to nap again until like 4 p.m. and by then, it's too late.  Because I want her to go to bed at a decent time so I can have some me time (for reading, as mentioned above ;)).  Probably sounds selfish, but most moms get it.  Anyway, she doesn't need to be up super late.  She's 1 1/2.  So anyway, I keep her up.  And usually it works out fine.  But the other night, while I wasn't looking, she plopped down on the bean bag chair and zonked out.  Poor kid.

So there ya go.  The randomness that is my life ;).

8:40 P.M.

I'm sure you can tell by my blog post title that I am lacking in creativity.  It's 8:40 p.m. here in the Pacific Northwest.  And I'm sitting up by myself.  The house is quiet.  Lynnaea is zonked out in her crib.  Jeremy is in bed (not sure if he's asleep yet), because he shifts back to day shift tomorrow -- which means he gets up around 4:50 in the morning.  Gross. 

And I am not a go-to-bed-early gal.  So I stay up. 

And think.

I think I'll post random pictures amidst my musings...  Just because these are some I haven't posted yet.  The one above -- our family in bed -- was before we went to Utah.

Not that I think I have any interesting or worthwhile musings...  Mostly just gobbledy-gook. 

That's me and my Aunt Hila and Lynnaea. 

So one of the things I've been thinking about lately is whether or not the desire to "matter" or "be noticed" is a universal human condition.  Maybe I'm not using the right terms.  But it just seems to me that, in recent years, with technology being what it is, so many people want their voice heard.  On facebook.  Blogger.  And probably other things I'm not even familiar with.  I'm one of those people, obviously. 

I mean, I am the protagonist of my own story, right?  And so I feel some yearning to tell it to the world.  But why should the world care?  And yet, in my innermost self, I want the world to care. 

Lynnaea loves looking at this picture frame of herself.  My baby girl.  Every month of her first year.  How did that happen already?

13 Lynnaeas...  Well, maybe 12 + her hands ;).  I love her.

So many moons ago, when I was a junior in high school, I had a Physiology teacher who was really demanding.  I'd heard the class was hard, so I didn't actually sign up to take the class.  But I wound up in there, because my guidance counselor didn't feel I was challenging myself.  She encouraged me to try it out for a week; then, if I didn't like it, I could drop it.  Well, I didn't want to hassle with the changing of classes, so I stuck it out.  And you know what?  I loved that class.  I learned a lot.  And I really respected the teacher.  At the end of the school year, he wrote in my yearbook that he hoped to see my name in lights some day.  And so, for some reason, I started wanting to make that happen.  And maybe that's part of why I want(ed) to try to publish a book.  Why that dream still lives on inside me.

Just chillin' with her daddy.  She thought it was funny to stick her finger in her mouth and then in his.  He didn't think it was so funny.

But why?  Why am I so interested in the approval or recognition of others?  I don't know.  But I have thought a lot about it lately.  And a lot of me feels like I'm missing the point.  Because, the truth is, I do matter.  I matter to my husband.  And I matter to my sweet girl.  And they are what matters most to me.

Date night yesterday afternoon.  We went and saw Xanadu Jr..  A couple of the Young Women from church were in it.  It was way cheesey, but fun :).

And so, I spend a lot of time reflecting.  Looking inside.  Trying to figure out what I want and who I want to be.  The funny thing is that it's an ever-changing thing, really.  We keep evolving.  Not too many years ago, what I wanted most was to be a wife and mother.  And now I am.  And I think it's good to have goals and to want to succeed in things.  But I also think it's important not to lose sight of what matters most.  Because, to quote Elder Ballard:  What matters most is what lasts longest.  And in the eternal perspective, that isn't having my name in lights so the world can see.

Just a little shot of Xanadu Jr.

In the eternal perspective, it is making sure my daughter knows how special and loved she is.  It's making sure she knows who she is:  a child of God.  And it's helping my husband and growing with him.

And no, it's not bad, like I said, to have other interests and pursuits.  It's just best to make sure my priorities are in order.

Which is why, of course, I must leave you with a picture of food ;).  That was our dinner after the play.  Yum.

(Sorry if this is one of my dis-jointed posts....  Just my random musings and not very well thought-out for writing.  But I felt like writing.  So I did.)

Dear Me (15 Years Ago)

Fifteen years is a long time.  And in fifteen years, you will learn a lot.  Unfortunately, real life isn't like some episode of Quantum Leap or like the very awesome movies 13 Going on 30 (make sure you see this movie... it'll be one of your favorites) and Click.  So you'll never read this at age 18.  But if you could, here's what I'd tell you:

1.  You're gorgeous.  You know that Sunscreen Song, and how it states that, years from now, you'll look back at photos of yourself and realize how fabulous you really looked?  Well, it's true.  I know you don't think it right now, but you are beautiful.  Yes, I know you have insecurities about your body.  But pretty much everyone around you does, too.  They are just different insecurities.  Yes, I know you feel like you don't look "normal."  But what is normal, anyway?  You are not the only one of 3 billion women who has the issues you dislike about yourself.  Yes, I know you think no guy will ever find you attractive or want to marry you, based on looks alone.  But you wouldn't want someone to want you based solely on looks anyway.  And don't worry.  You'll get married.  And there will be guys who think you are beautiful.  Some will tell you, but others will tell other people who will tell you.  There probably are guys right now who think you are beautiful, you just don't know it.  So please try to recognize how beautiful you really are.  Because you will look back at photos of yourself in the years ahead, and you will realize that, while right now you think you are ugly, you are anything but.  And you will wish you'd have realized how fabulous you really looked :).

2.  The Gospel is true.  It would behoove you to find that out for yourself now, rather than later.  But even if you don't, just know that you will one day find a reason to know for yourself.  And you will get your answer.  And from that answer will spring some of your greatest heart-aches.  But it will also bring forth your greatest joys.  It will provide you with direction and assurance.  So keep the faith, even when it's hard.

3.  Don't be afraid to love.  This, of course, means you will open yourself up to hurt.  But love is beautiful.  And to avoid it for fear of being hurt would be a tragic loss.  You will lose more by not loving than you ever will by loving.  But, in your desire to love...  Don't allow yourself to be mistreated. 

4.  Appreciate your parents.  It is the natural course of things (well, at least it still generally is when you are now) for teenagers to clash with their parents.  Apparently science and psychology say it's because that will help you want to move out one day and be independent.  So it's normal that they annoy you from time to time.  And it's normal that you don't always want to do the things they want you to do.  But recognize they only want what's best for you.  Because they love you in a way you can't fully comprehend right now.  They have sacrificed and still sacrifice for you in ways of which you are not yet fully aware.  But trust me, one day you will know.  One day you will understand.  One day you will see that they are people just like you.  That they have their ups and their downs.  Just like you.  And they are trying their best to live life and balance all their responsibilities the best way they know how just like you are.  They make mistakes just like you do.  But they love you.  More than you really know right now.  So love them.  Appreciate them.  Listen to them (they know more than you think).  And tell them thank you.  Because it will mean more to them than you know, right now.  And trust me that one day, you will understand.

5.  Repentance is real.  You make mistakes.  You've made mistakes.  But Heavenly Father knew we all would.  And so, He sent His Son.  He did it because He loves you.  Just as your earthly parents do -- only more so.  The opportunity to change is real -- and the power to change is within you.  Don't let them fade away as though they don't exist.  Because it feels so good to be clean.

6.  It doesn't really matter who you are in high school.  You've never been in the popular crowd.  And that's okay.  You never really yearned to be there, but I think you put more concern on how others view you than is really necessary.  (And, even though I've learned this lesson about high school, maybe I'm still working on learning it about all of life.)  The truth is, you will move on with life -- and so will they.  And it won't really matter who you are now, as far as cliques go.  You will share a common past with people, and that link will become stronger than how popular you are.  And you will find that those who everyone thought would be most successful may not be.  And then there will be those who will surprise you.  And you will discover, when the opportunity arises to connect up with people from your past, that -- for the most part -- we are all just people, trying to get along in this life.  And whether or not we were popular in high school won't really matter, in the end.

7.  You are strong.  You will face challenges you can't even begin to imagine right now.  But you'll make it through.  Even when you feel like the world is crumbling, you will keep going.  So believe in yourself.

8.  Be kind, learn patience, be forgiving, and be more generous.  Everyone around you has struggles, just like you do.  You will find it easy to think judgmental thoughts.  But try to overcome that.  Learn to be patient.  Do I sound like our mother?  Well, turns out she is right...  Patience is a virtue.  And you'll need it in the years ahead.  Better to develop it now...  Because, even if you don't, you'll have plenty of opportunities to do so.  Forgive others.  We've all made mistakes.  And you always hope others will forgive you.  So be willing to forgive them, too.  And be more generous.  It's easy to be very self-centered and focus on yourself.  But you have been blessed with a lot.  And that will continue to be true.  So be generous -- in word, in deed, and in thought. 

It's just advice, of course.  Do with it as you will.  But you should trust me...  After all, I've been where you are... and I've been where you're going. 

And, though in all reality, I know you won't read this at 18...  And I know I can't advise my younger self no matter  how much I wish I could...  I know there will be people I can share this wisdom with.  One special one in particular.  So here's to hoping I remember to do so -- all along the way.

Love,

An Older, but hopefully wiser, you.

My Most Honest Reflection

So a couple days ago, I had a revelation.  Not because it hadn't occurred to me before, mind you.  But because I saw the proof.

Proof that came, not in some huge gesture, but in a tiny small thing that made me realize:  Lynnaea watches everything I do.  She is learning from all I do.  And she will copy me.

And so I must ask myself:  what does she see?

For you see, she is my most honest reflection. 

I happened on Monday.  I was baking French Bread to store for summer (when I plan to avoid baking as much as possible).  The bread freezes well, so in an attempt to get ahead of the game, I'm baking on cool days and storing.  So we can eat good bread all summer long.  But not turn the house into an inferno. 

But I digress.  So I was baking French Bread.  And one of the steps is to do an egg wash.  Which leaves me with leftover egg.  So I decided Lynnaea and I would have scrambled eggs for lunch.  So we did.  I put her in her high chair and started getting out chunks of egg.  But, since they were still warm, I blew on them before putting them on her tray. 

And do you know what she started doing?  Blowing on the food she picked up.  Even if it was a cold piece of bread.

Two thoughts went through my head:  Isn't that so stinkin' cute!?!  and Hmmm.... I wonder what else she has observed me do and will copy...

Will Lynnaea grow up calling other drivers stupid or moron or idiot, because that's what I do?  Will she complain a lot, because that's what I do?  Will she think she needs a snack every time she goes into the kitchen, because that's what I do? 

It was just one of those moments that made me really realize that she is always watching me.  Always learning from me.  And made me ask myself:  what am I teaching her?  And more importantly:  what do I want to teach her? 

Because now is the time for me to pay attention.  To change the bad habits I don't want her to pick up. 

There are times I wish the only thing she'd copy is blowing on food (even if she doesn't know the reason for so doing).  Blowing on food is pretty harmless.  But there will be other things...  I will have opportunities to see myself without a filter.  Because my little girl will be a reflection, largely, of me.  Her mommy.  The person with whom she spends every day.  And she is watching.  And learning.  Even when I don't realize I'm teaching. 

But isn't she just such a cute little bug :)?

On Sundays, she is forced to resort to this for crawling...  Dresses just get in the way!  It cracks me up, though.

So sweet and cute in a pretty foofy dress for Mother's Day.

Such a happy little girl.

Here we are on my first Mother's Day.

Finally wearing some warm weather clothes...  By the way...  She took several steps yesterday.  But she still prefers to crawl.  For now.

Cheese!!

The WEIGHT of Things

Why not begin with a couple of bump pictures.  I find it funny that my bump looks bigger sometimes than others -- even when I'm further along.  I'm thinking it may have to do with Baby's position, but what do I know?  I think the bump looks small in these pictures (at 29 weeks today)...

But I just had an appointment yesterday, and everything is on track growth-wise, so I am not worried :).  What I know is that the baby is head down right now.  Which is great!  But...  There's still plenty of room (and time) for baby to wiggle into the "wrong" position.  So I know that can change.  Baby's heart-rate is strong and steady at 140 beats per minute.  My blood pressure is great (which I always like to hear!).

My weight, on the other hand, is not.  Ew.  I thought I was doing pretty good.  Of course, I haven't had the benefit of a scale, but I was having no problem wrapping my fingers around my wrist and able to touch fingers!  Haha...  My own personal (and apparently flawed) fat-gain tester.  I managed to gain 18 pounds in 9 weeks.  And that ain't all baby weight!  (I think, currently, maybe 3 pounds can be attributed to Baby, with about 5 more pounds attributed to the other necessary weight gains of pregnancy, so my total pregnancy weight of 23 pounds is mostly my bad eating habits.)  (By the way, the goal was 25 pounds total for the pregnancy) Sigh.  And I know how I managed it, too...  It was called late nights waiting up for my hubby and me being a bored snacker.  And so, I'm buckling down.  The doctor said that, as long as I'm eating my healthy 3 meals (or their equivalent) a day (like 6 smaller meals), then if I were to go in at my next appointment and find I'd lost a couple pounds, it would not be bad.  Just that I am not to starve myself to lose weight (which, naturally, I wouldn't do).  I am not overly obsessed about this.  I just don't look forward to having a lot of extra weight to take off post-baby.  So whatever healthy options I can do now to help out for the future, I will do.  As long as they are still healthy options for the baby.  That's really what matters most. 

So I titled this blog post that way because of the actual weight gain.  But also because the closer we get, the more we realize the heavy responsibility of parenthood.  It is one we have both wanted and for which we are grateful.  But it's still sometimes so surreal to realize that, in the not-too-distant future, there will be a baby here all the time.  Haha...  Jeremy and I will be sitting on the couch talking, and there will be a little munchkin sitting on the floor playing with toys or something.  We desire to raise our children with so many good things.  And I don't mean toys and material things.  I mean that we want to teach them (and hopefully have them internalize and learn) what it is to be self-reliant, the value of work, the value of a dollar, the importance of forgiveness, to be resilient in the face of disappointment, the importance of love.  We want them to have confidence and know who they are.  We hope they will choose wisely in life -- and we hope to teach them and give them the tools to make those wise choices.  And at the same time, I had the bittersweet realization last Friday evening (based on an article I read in a pregnancy magazine while waiting for the glucose test) of how fleeting all these moments are.  How the time will pass so quickly.  How I want to enjoy every moment (even the fatter-than-desirable Nilla ones) of carrying this baby.  So the article talked about making an effort to film your tummy, like when the baby is kicking and your stomach pokes out where the baby has kicked.  The article said that, believe it or not, you will sort of forget those feelings of the baby inside you.  And so, as I sat watching my stomach move randomly that evening, I thought back to that.  And I realized that, while I am excited to meet our little one, I will miss those unexpected kicks and jabs and wiggles that make me giggle sometimes.  I will miss moments of talking to my tummy (because nobody else is around ;)).  It makes me think of a poem my mom cross-stitched for my cousin when she was expecting her first baby.  I don't remember it all -- and don't know enough of it to google it; I just tried.  But, in the end, it is the mother saying she still looks forward from going from landlord to roommate or something like that.  Speaking of my cousin Elka...  I laughed when, at Christmas time, she asked how I was doing and I said, "Good.  I mostly just feel worried and fat."  And she said, "Welcome to motherhood... That's how you'll feel now every day for the rest of your life."  And yet, I welcome it.  I know in a way that isn't complete yet, that I don't want this baby to have to experience the horrible things about this mortal life.  But I also know that they are necessary lessons of life and intended for growth.  I know I will want to protect this child, my baby -- hence the thought of wanting it to stay in utero forever ;).  But I know I will need to let go (and that's going to be a toughie for me...  I already know this).

Anyway, that's a lot of muddled thoughts all in one paragraph.  Hope it conveys my thoughts adequately, though.

In less weighty news...  I bought our first big pack of diapers yesterday at Costco.  Woohoo!  Little by little, we're filling our house with baby stuff :).  Still looking for some of the big things, though.  But we'll get there.  In fact, Jeremy's shift changed again (mid-week) and he is now on days.  But this should last for a while, because the other project is done and the next one won't start until May or June.  So he'll actually have weekends again!  And I think, this Saturday, we're already planning to go do some baby shopping.  :).  I'm pretty excited about it, actually!  It'll be our date night :).  And maybe with some frozen yogurt as a treat (I will have earned it ;)). 

Feeling Salty

In the Bible, it speaks of being the salt of the earth.  A good thing -- in that context.  I think the idea of what it meant was really driven home for me when I had to eat food that didn't have salt added during cooking.  (And you can ask my husband, I have a salt tooth ;)).  Salt is an amazing thing.  Just a little goes a long way and adds so much to the flavor of a thing.  It's also an antiseptic, a preserver, etc...  Some interesting little parallels you can draw there.

Interestingly enough, also in the Bible, there is a scripture to "Remember Lot's wife."  She who was turned into a pillar of salt for looking back toward Sodom and Gomorrah.  Probably not just looking back physically; but actually wishing to be back there in her heart.  This is not the good kind of salt.  There are many days I think I probably deserve to be turned into a pillar of salt. 

I've been struggling with that lately.  And perhaps I'm not the only one, since the person who sent me the link to this talk (one of my Counselors in Primary) was sent it by our Stake President who is a long-time friend of hers. 

I don't handle change well.  I will admit that.  I come by it honestly -- it's in my genes.  But I'm pretty sure it's one of those things I can learn to improve on.  And I need to.  Because lately I have felt overwhelmed with desires to return to what was.  Nothing of the Sodom and Gomorrah sort.  Just the past.  My past.  Sometimes I long for 15 years ago (or more).  I have glimpses of moments at my grandmother's house in Dothan during summer vacation when we would stay up watching Unsolved Mysteries and other tv shows and my mom would buy all these yummy snacks that we couldn't get in Panama (I've been a foodie my whole life...).  (By the way, did you know Yoplait discontinued their custard yogurts, at least out here?  My heart breaks a little...)  Sometimes I long for 13 years ago and days hanging out daily with Julie and Alysha (who was like 4)...  When we were two peas in a pod and practically inseparable.  Sometimes I long for 5 years ago (which shocks the heck out of me!) when I was living in Tuscaloosa and going to school full-time and working full-time.  Though it was one of the hardest times of my life (and believe me, I was ready to move forward then), I look back now and see that it was a very good time of my life as well.  I think I really grew into myself in new ways and learned things about myself I didn't know before.  Sometimes I long for 3 years ago when Lea and I were working at the library together and doing crazy things like 'Survivor: Tundra'.  And sometimes I just long for 3 months ago when life hadn't changed quite as much as it has since December (even though, then too, I was ready to move forward).

The truth is, I have had a more difficult time adjusting to not working than I ever dreamed I would.  My sweet Jeremy somehow suspected such things might happen.  He voiced his concerns to me before we made the decision for me to quit.  I laughed them off, thinking he was crazy.  His big concern for me?  That I would lose my socializing time.  I thought he was crazy, because I can always get in the car and go somewhere.  But you know what?  While that's true, it's also true that sometimes I don't know where to go; so I don't.  I really had no idea that I got so much socializing done through working -- and that my personality depends on that socialization so much.  I relished the thought of days at home, keeping house, cooking dinner, doing my own thing.  I never dreamed it would get old.  Well.  It did.  And I find myself looking for ways to stay busy and be more involved.  I'm grateful -- oh so grateful -- for a husband who supports and shares my desires to be home with our children.  And for a husband who supports my need/desire to host get-togethers every so often for a gaggle of women -- just so I enjoy some girl time.  But I'm still in the adjustment phase.  And I have many quiet moments (especially late at night while Jeremy is at work) when I just start meandering through the past and longing for those days in ways that I shouldn't.  Not because it's wrong to remember and enjoy the memories.  But because I'm not merely enjoying them.  I'm longing for them. 

In speaking of Lot's wife in the talk I linked above, Elder Holland said, "In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future." 

And I think that may be me.  I'm so stuck in longing for what was that I am not allowing myself to embrace what is and what is yet to be.  To quote again from the talk:

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind." {Emphasis added by me.}

This was a great talk, and it really was full of wisdom I needed to hear.  I have been richly blessed with many things.  Among them are sweet moments in life with friends and family that I can carry with me to remember fondly and bring a smile to my face.  But those moments are nothing more than memories.  I cannot have them back to re-live.  But life has shown me that, as I go forward, there are more such times to come.  More moments of joy. 

I feel like a whiner writing this.  I sit here in the comfort of my apartment feeling (and watching) life within me as our baby kicks (and my laptop bounces).  I have the desires of my heart.  The desires I longed so much for and feared I may never have.  I have a wonderful loving marriage with a wonderful loving husband, and we are anticipating the joys and growth of parenthood in 3 short months.  My cup runneth over.  This past year has been a year of miracles and of promises fulfilled.  It is time for me to let go and move forward and embrace the changes.  Because they will be what I need to grow and become who I want to be. 

One of my biggest concerns I had in regards to my new calling in church is that the ladies I would be working with now and I would not click like the four of us who had worked together before had.  That we would not become friends as had happened before.  I think today I was shown otherwise.  And it's a beautiful thing.  A reminder that there are always new opportunities to make new friends and yet not lose the old ones.  So this change, too, was one I have been struggling with.  But I'm starting to not struggle with it so much anymore.  And that, to me, is a tender mercy.

Well anyway, thanks for the vent-session ;).  Just the scrambled musings of a Nilla mind.  I'm off to face -- and embrace -- the future :).