The WEIGHT of Things

Why not begin with a couple of bump pictures.  I find it funny that my bump looks bigger sometimes than others -- even when I'm further along.  I'm thinking it may have to do with Baby's position, but what do I know?  I think the bump looks small in these pictures (at 29 weeks today)...

But I just had an appointment yesterday, and everything is on track growth-wise, so I am not worried :).  What I know is that the baby is head down right now.  Which is great!  But...  There's still plenty of room (and time) for baby to wiggle into the "wrong" position.  So I know that can change.  Baby's heart-rate is strong and steady at 140 beats per minute.  My blood pressure is great (which I always like to hear!).

My weight, on the other hand, is not.  Ew.  I thought I was doing pretty good.  Of course, I haven't had the benefit of a scale, but I was having no problem wrapping my fingers around my wrist and able to touch fingers!  Haha...  My own personal (and apparently flawed) fat-gain tester.  I managed to gain 18 pounds in 9 weeks.  And that ain't all baby weight!  (I think, currently, maybe 3 pounds can be attributed to Baby, with about 5 more pounds attributed to the other necessary weight gains of pregnancy, so my total pregnancy weight of 23 pounds is mostly my bad eating habits.)  (By the way, the goal was 25 pounds total for the pregnancy) Sigh.  And I know how I managed it, too...  It was called late nights waiting up for my hubby and me being a bored snacker.  And so, I'm buckling down.  The doctor said that, as long as I'm eating my healthy 3 meals (or their equivalent) a day (like 6 smaller meals), then if I were to go in at my next appointment and find I'd lost a couple pounds, it would not be bad.  Just that I am not to starve myself to lose weight (which, naturally, I wouldn't do).  I am not overly obsessed about this.  I just don't look forward to having a lot of extra weight to take off post-baby.  So whatever healthy options I can do now to help out for the future, I will do.  As long as they are still healthy options for the baby.  That's really what matters most. 

So I titled this blog post that way because of the actual weight gain.  But also because the closer we get, the more we realize the heavy responsibility of parenthood.  It is one we have both wanted and for which we are grateful.  But it's still sometimes so surreal to realize that, in the not-too-distant future, there will be a baby here all the time.  Haha...  Jeremy and I will be sitting on the couch talking, and there will be a little munchkin sitting on the floor playing with toys or something.  We desire to raise our children with so many good things.  And I don't mean toys and material things.  I mean that we want to teach them (and hopefully have them internalize and learn) what it is to be self-reliant, the value of work, the value of a dollar, the importance of forgiveness, to be resilient in the face of disappointment, the importance of love.  We want them to have confidence and know who they are.  We hope they will choose wisely in life -- and we hope to teach them and give them the tools to make those wise choices.  And at the same time, I had the bittersweet realization last Friday evening (based on an article I read in a pregnancy magazine while waiting for the glucose test) of how fleeting all these moments are.  How the time will pass so quickly.  How I want to enjoy every moment (even the fatter-than-desirable Nilla ones) of carrying this baby.  So the article talked about making an effort to film your tummy, like when the baby is kicking and your stomach pokes out where the baby has kicked.  The article said that, believe it or not, you will sort of forget those feelings of the baby inside you.  And so, as I sat watching my stomach move randomly that evening, I thought back to that.  And I realized that, while I am excited to meet our little one, I will miss those unexpected kicks and jabs and wiggles that make me giggle sometimes.  I will miss moments of talking to my tummy (because nobody else is around ;)).  It makes me think of a poem my mom cross-stitched for my cousin when she was expecting her first baby.  I don't remember it all -- and don't know enough of it to google it; I just tried.  But, in the end, it is the mother saying she still looks forward from going from landlord to roommate or something like that.  Speaking of my cousin Elka...  I laughed when, at Christmas time, she asked how I was doing and I said, "Good.  I mostly just feel worried and fat."  And she said, "Welcome to motherhood... That's how you'll feel now every day for the rest of your life."  And yet, I welcome it.  I know in a way that isn't complete yet, that I don't want this baby to have to experience the horrible things about this mortal life.  But I also know that they are necessary lessons of life and intended for growth.  I know I will want to protect this child, my baby -- hence the thought of wanting it to stay in utero forever ;).  But I know I will need to let go (and that's going to be a toughie for me...  I already know this).

Anyway, that's a lot of muddled thoughts all in one paragraph.  Hope it conveys my thoughts adequately, though.

In less weighty news...  I bought our first big pack of diapers yesterday at Costco.  Woohoo!  Little by little, we're filling our house with baby stuff :).  Still looking for some of the big things, though.  But we'll get there.  In fact, Jeremy's shift changed again (mid-week) and he is now on days.  But this should last for a while, because the other project is done and the next one won't start until May or June.  So he'll actually have weekends again!  And I think, this Saturday, we're already planning to go do some baby shopping.  :).  I'm pretty excited about it, actually!  It'll be our date night :).  And maybe with some frozen yogurt as a treat (I will have earned it ;)).