On Being Tested

Strive for Five weigh in was today, of course. I lost 3 pounds! Yipee! I don't know how that happened (I mean, you saw the lovely menu at the Pink Party!). Maybe it was my lack of groceries until last night.... Hmmm....

Well, I just got out of my first test in the crazy class. It took me about an hour and a half to complete. There were a possible 15 points (although she made a note that, if you got a perfect score on the test, it was actually 16 points, but it would only count as 15...). I'm not even remotely hoping for a perfect score. But it's one test down in there, one to go. April and I spent the remainder of class time talking and visiting. April's big complaint: the study questions she gave us didn't have anything to do with the test. Which doesn't really surprise me. I'd heard so many horror stories about people getting 4 out of 15 when they actually read the books and studied for the test. So, let me just say that I didn't put that much effort into preparing for it. It was open-book and open-note. I guess we'll see how much that helped me.

It did get me to wax philosophical about tests in general though. I mean, who really likes tests? I'm sure there are those random people out there who do, in fact, enjoy them. I think they should have their heads examined :). But, I'm sure they exist. While today's test, I'm sure, will not be a defining moment in my life, I am equally sure that I have had other kinds of tests that have been defining moments. And I know I will continue to have those. And again, who really likes tests? They are hard. Especially the ones that have significance. So, I thought I would search for the word "test" in the scriptures. I didn't find it. So then I thought about the word "tried." Because that's the same thing. There are many scriptures with this word. But the first one I got was pretty awesome and seems to have great application to my life.

James 1:3 - Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

Yep, there's that nemesis of mine... patience. I lack it, seriously. I know I've shared that in the past, my lack of patience. I also know I've mentioned that my mom's favorite phrase to me when I was growing up was "Patience is a virtue." Apparently I should have worked harder at developing patience back then. Maybe I wouldn't be having to learn it now :). So, anyway, a while back (about a year and a half ago now), I looked up scriptures on patience. And a few really struck me at the time. One of them happens to be the next scripture in James:

James 1:4 - But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

And also:

Romans 5:3-4 - And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope.

Of course, I find it amazing that all of these scriptures tie back in together with tests, trials, and tribulations, since really, those three words are conveying the same idea. I do know that it is through our trials and tests that we grow. We really wouldn't grow any other way. Without opposition, we would be content to be what we were and never try to become better. So, we are forced to grow through tests and trials. And it is amazing what we can become. This brings to mind a song I have on a CD in my car by Hilary Weeks. It's called "Be Still," and it is based on the scripture in Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." (Of course, this is also saying to be patient in a way too). The song is beautiful. It's done in two parts. One part has a woman pleading in prayer, saying:

Another day, I'll try again.
Can you tell me, will this hurting ever end?
I've been taught, and I believe.
But it's been a while since I've been on my knees.
And I need You by my side.
I don't have the strength to make it on my own.
And Lord, do You hear my prayer?
How soon will You answer me?

Oh how familiar I am with the emotions and feelings set forth in those words. And that used to make me cry every time I heard it. Because I've felt that anguish, that feeling of being lost and alone, afraid and weak. Now, the part that brings tears to my eyes is the part in which "the Lord" replies:

I've watched you struggle.
And yet I can see how much you've grown.
Child could you feel My power in your darkest hour?
You were not alone.
I know you're weary.
I know you've had all you can bear
And now you ask of me, on bended knee.
I promise I'll be there.

Be still and know that I am God.
I'm by your side, whom shall you fear?
I'll hold you close, my child.
I am here.
Be still and know that I am God.
And there's no prayer that I won't hear.
Lift up your voice, my child.
I am here.

I know I still have a lot of growing to do. But one day, as I was listening to this song on the way to church, the phrase "I've watched you struggle. And yet I can see how much you've grown" really hit me. And I understood. I understood why I have gone through some of what I have gone through. It does not make it easier to struggle, but it makes it easier to endure. To know that I am being tried and tested so that I can become stronger. And as I've looked back on this stage of my life, a stage of life I never wanted and never saw myself as being in, I too can see how much I have grown. Knowing that does give me more courage to face future trials and tests. No, I don't necessarily want to have to go through more trials. Who does? But they will come. And I am being prepared now to face what is coming.

I don't know if these thoughts are all jumbled up, or if they even make sense. It was just something I was pondering. So, I thought I would share :).