Getting Personal

So, generally I don't post particularly personal things. Mostly because, well, just because. I mean, who wants to read about someone else's trials? But the truth is I've been struggling with something lately, and it's been particularly hard the last two days. I mean, it comes and goes, this feeling. It's always in the back of my mind. But sometimes I'm better at overcoming it. So, let me preface this by saying I'm really not a vain person. I don't spend hours staring at myself in the mirror, etc.

So, what's my issue? Well, my hair is getting thinner and thinner by the day. This is very depressing to me. I have made mention of my hair issues before (including yesterday), but I usually just breeze over it as though it's a non-issue. And that is so not true. This is a major issue for me. Every time I see pictures of me when I was younger (like early 20s), I get slightly depressed about how much hair I've lost. I'm not even sure exactly when I started losing the hair, but I know I was losing copious amounts of it even when I was married. I just didn't realize at the time how unnatural that was (I was seriously losing a lot of hair -- there were clumps of it that would gather in various places on the floor in the apartment, and when we used the rug raker thing we bought, you should have seen the hair that came off the carpet, plus I clogged the drain regularly, even in spite of trying to "catch" the hair that was falling out while I was washing it and not let it go down the drain (obviously lots was still going down the drain), and my hair brush would still be full of hair). But I had so much hair that it really wasn't noticeable. It only has started to be really noticeable in the last year or so. For your benefit, I have included two pictures. They are not a really great comparison, since I wasn't trying to compare my hair when they were taken... But, I think you'll see what I mean...Literally, I can't get my hair to grow longer than what it was in December/January, and it's very stringy looking when I do finally get it to be as long as it was. I know the other picture (of me tied up) doesn't really give a good example of it, but I had long, shiny, full, thick hair. And I realize how whiny I sound, I do. This is just very hard for me. My hair was something I liked about me. People complimented it. I loved my long hair, and I loved that it was so wavy and full without any effort made by me. Although having a new hair style has been fun at times, the reason for getting it was that I needed something to make my hair look fuller and thicker. I had hopes that maybe my hair just needed a break, and that by cutting off the excess unhealthy hair, my hair would become revitalized. And so, as my hair continues to fall out, I see that is not going to happen, and my hopes are crushed. I started taking vitamins in hopes that my hair would improve. No luck there either. I don't want my hair to just look fuller and thicker. I want it to be fuller and thicker. And my fear is that it will never happen; that I will continue to lose my hair until I am bald, or at least a lot balder.

Okay, so I totally know that, if this is the worst of my troubles, then I should be very grateful. I know that there are people who have much worse problems than losing their hair, and there are people who probably wish that hair loss was their trial. And so, knowing that, I feel like a silly baby that I am so affected by this. And I know that, in the long run, in the eternal scheme of things, this is very insignificant. But even so, it is very hard for me; it makes me feel ugly. The bottom line is that I need to find out what is causing this hair loss. Is it hormonal? Does it involve my thyroid? Does it involve my diet? Or perhaps it's just stress (although I can't see that I've had that much stress in the past 4 years)? And so I will be making a doctor's appointment. But there are so many fears. What if I find out that it is caused by something for which there is no way to stop it? Yes, I know they make wonderful wigs these days, but I really want my own full head of hair back. Sigh. And yes, probably I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. On an up-note, I am very thankful for friends and for home teachers and for blessings of comfort. Please forgive me for this pity party. I just find that writing is therapeutic for me, as is talking. And so this is a way of doing both (since someone out there is reading it). And this is literally what has consumed my thoughts the past couple of days (thanks to a glimpse in the mirror of my very thinning hairline). So, now you know this part of the Nilla life :(. And I'm sorry if I seem selfish now.

And let me leave this on a positive note: there are now 2 positions open up in Washington for which I wish to apply. They are the same position, but in different library clusters. I guess they cluster their libraries up there, so it's kind of like a pyramid. But anyway, the pay is the same, it's in the same area. Of course, the requirements are also the same, so there's still a good chance I won't get the position. But I'm going to apply anyway :P. Also, there is another job that doesn't pay as well, but for which I am over-qualified, that is still full-time and in the same area. So, I could apply for that and see where that goes. Of course, since that job doesn't even require the MLIS degree, there's a good chance they will fill that position quickly and with someone local. But, so that's my latest on the job-search. It's looking like there are some good options!