The Sound of Silence

It's been an eventful week.  Which would seem to belie the song title I have chosen for this particular post.  But it doesn't, trust me :).

Things were hopping at work last week.  I think I mentioned in the last post that a co-worker had quit, and since she had trained me on a lot of her job, I have been continuing that, only without her awesome help.  Let me just say:  the time flew.  Which I appreciated.  But my stress level went up a tad bit too.  Which I didn't appreciate so much.  Rushing to meet deadlines, playing inter-departmental politics.  Yeah, not so much my thing.  But it all worked out just fine in the end.  And, until further notice, I will get to work half my day on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays in the back.  And I enjoy that, because there are fewer interruptions. 

We had found a van that we went to look at last Saturday.  We were prepared to take it home if we liked it.  We did.  The girl wasn't ready to let it go.  She needed it for one more week.  Okay, so after I was grumbly about her being flaky...  I got over it.  And we agreed that we would purchase the van at the end of the week.  Sounded risky, but we figured if it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be.  But the girl was very thoughtful in that she contacted us a couple times during the week to let us know how progress was going on her end with the things she needed to do (she is leaving tomorrow to go to Taiwan for a year to teach English, which is why she was selling the van).  But, that meant we were still without a second car.  Which meant I was still driving Jeremy's car to work.  And that was all well and good and all of that.  Until Tuesday -- which had been a very stressful day at work for me.  I headed to the parking lot a block away from where I work, thinking about how I was voluntarily going to work the next morning at 6:30 (sick, right?  But I had a big deadline I had to meet by noon on Wednesday, and I was freaking out a tad).  And I was texting Jeremy that I was headed home (he's on days this month).  I got in the car and turned the key.  And heard nothing.  Nothing.  It was the sound of silence (hence the song title post :)).  Seriously.  A dreaded sound when what you want to hear is the engine start.  Well, I quickly realized I had disobeyed my morning directive to myself to "remember to turn off the lights when you get to work."  Nice.  It had been a cloudy morning.  Not really enough to merit lights, so I have no idea why I turned them on.  But lesson learned.  Seriously.  So I called Jeremy, who of course could do nothing, as he was home about 11 miles away with nothing but a bike.  I remembered AAA, but who wants to waste a call out on something someone else can help with?  I thought of my mom, and then got a grip and thought, "Hila, there are still people in the office."  So I called my boss who sent (actually, this person volunteered) someone out who happens to have to jump her own car off all the time.  And then another nice employee came over and helped us too.  So, though I did shed some tears (it had been a stressful day), it all went just fine.  But by the end of that, I was done.  D.O.N.E.  So I skipped walking with Sue.

Wednesday was laundry day.  And Thursday evening we went and got the van :).  Yay!  Here are the pictures :).

Try parking that thing in our tiny parking spot.  Ugh.  It's a chore and a half.  But beyond that, I really like it.  It's a smooth ride and has lots of room.  And we're hoping to put at least another 100k miles on it :).  It's a Honda, so at least it has a reputation for being able to do that! 

And then today.  Today was mostly lazy.  We had nothing planned, except going to look at another house.  Which we did around 1:30 today.  Nice house.  Still needs some work.  Again, the basement isn't finished.  But we wouldn't need to finish it in order to have all that we want.  We probably would eventually, but it isn't a priority.  It has slightly less acreage than the other, but more than our minimum.  And one of the coolest things, to me, is all the storage!  Some of it is in these random nooks and crannies that are just so stinkin' nifty!  A kid's dream for hide and seek...  Anyway, I really like this house.  I liked the other too, but the more the week has gone by, the more I have realized how much work we'd need to do from the word "go."  So we've been discussing a lot lately.  It's a lot to consider.  Of course, I don't anticipate that the house we looked at today will be on the market for long.  But we aren't willing to rush into anything.  So we will move forward prayerfully and see how we feel.  These are important decisions, after all.  But!  If we do get a house, and you find yourself in the Pacific Northwest...  Consider yourself invited to our abode :).

So Here's the Thing...

I have way too many projects to be sucked in by Pinterest now.  I have avoided asking friends for an invitation to the site.  But someone on facebook invited me.  And I clicked on it (after studiously ignoring it for 3 whole days, believe it or not!).  And now.  Now I know why I shouldn't have ever clicked it.

There are self-reliance ideas, people.  You may not be able to guess it (considering how I still don't have my 72-hour kit compiled and I don't have even close to a year's worth of food storage -- not that I have anywhere to store it...), but I'm really into this self-reliance stuff.  You know what sucked me in tonight?  Gardening stuff.  Specifically how one can grow new celery by using the base of the store-bought celery.  Let's just say they had me at "never buy celery again."  Hahaha...  So then I started reading up on growing an avocado plant from seed.  And then I read up on how to use egg shells to start seeds -- and then, when it's time to plant outside, you plop it, egg shell and all, into the ground!  And, yeah... You get the idea.

Here's the problem:  I can't do really try some of these fabulous things (or it's pointless to) at this juncture, as I have no yard.  Harumph.

But here's the solution:  buy a house!  Of course.  Which brings us to one "project" I could be working on right now.  Making a pros and cons list of the house Jeremy and I went and looked at today.  Yes, seriously.  We looked at a house!!  It's way exciting.  I mean, I do a lot of online house-hunting.  Like, daily.  But this was the first house we looked at.  It's not far from my mom's, so Sue and I walked by there on Tuesday as part of our exercise walk.  I'd seen pictures of it online, of course.  Only outside shots though.  Which can mean the inside is scary.  Anyway...  It's not exactly what we want as it stands.  But there's a fabulous word called potential.  And that's why I even considered it in the first place.

See, Jeremy and I have a list of what we want.  Mostly they are not negotiable.  Here they are, in no particular order:

• a minimum of .2 acres.  To my Alabama friends, know that I envy your sprawling lands, even within city limits.  It just ain't so here in Washington.  At least not where I live.  Within city limits, it's hard to find a yard bigger than a postage stamp.  Oh, they're out there.  But they are hard to find.  Well, hard to find if you have the next restriction:
• within 2 miles of where Jeremy works.  This is because he bikes to work and he would like to keep that up.  I am fine with that for several reasons:
• it saves on gas (which saves on money)
• it is allowing us to survive being a one-car family at the moment (and possibly in the future if there is another unplanned-for event...)
• one day I hope we have a baby (or 4).  And when that day comes, I won't work.  So my opinion is that his commute is what matters.  Because I won't have one.
• It will probably shorten his commute time which means more time with his family (aka me :)).
•  minimum of 1500 square feet.  We want a family.  We want them to have room to roam.  Which is also another reason for the acreage.  (That plus we want a garden.  A nice one.).  We also want room to have a dedicated area for our aforementioned food storage.  I get excited just thinking about this.  Am I a dork, or what :)?
• kitchen size must be reasonable.  It's weird, but a lot of the kitchens in this town -- at least in the older homes -- are teensy tiny.  I don't understand it.  I love the kitchen.  And we want room for things like canning.  You know, because we'll need to do something with all those garden crops :). 
• price.  Yeah, we have a price cap.  Who doesn't?  We aren't interested in buying more house than we can afford.  Even if it meets every other requirement.  Our opinion is that that is bad math.  
• Miscellaneous things that we are more flexible on:  would prefer 3 bedrooms and at least 1.5 bathrooms.  We would prefer not to live around dogs; we simply aren't fans of obnoxious barking.  Jeremy likes houses with eaves.  Many of the older houses here don't have them.  We like uniqueness.  Neither one of us cares for the "cookie cutter" homes.  Quiet area with privacy.

So this house we looked at meets the absolute ones.  And even seems to be away from dogs that are outside dogs.  It has .3 acres.  We were so excited to see that.  And when Sue and I took a look at it and walked around the yard...  Well, it has a ton of apple trees -- that produce!  I was excited by that fact alone.  I like free food that grows in my backyard.  When Jeremy and I went back today, we realized  there is also a pear tree, a cherry tree (that needs some serious help so it can produce more than the 3 shriveled cherries that were on it), and a plum tree that isn't on this property, but we think it's on County right-of-way or easement property, and therefore we don't think anyone would care if we picked them.  And blackberry bushes, but those are pretty prevalent around here.  The house is listed as a 2 bedroom 1 bath.  That is the big sticker.  We can easily fix the bedroom thing, because the basement isn't finished.  So we can put in rooms down there.  But adding an additional bathroom will take a little more effort.  And probably be more costly.  The finished square footage is actually about 500 too small.  But.  It has that unfinished basement that is the same exact size.  So once we finish it, we would have 2100 square feet.  And a really cool thing, in my opinion, is that there is storage built into the basement walls.  Hard to explain, but I'm thinking it's a perfect place for a lot of our food storage.  Plus it has a concrete sink in the basement.  Okay, so totally not a selling point, but I think it's cool, because it reminds me of my house in Panama that had a concrete sink on the patio by the washer and dryer.  There is a detached hugemongous garage that we could use for our back-up vehicle and all our yard stuff.  And a million other things (trust me, it's huge).  It has eaves.  The kitchen is very reasonable and even comes complete with a pretty new refrigerator (freezer on the bottom).  And it's probably a 5 or 10 minute bike ride from the house to Jeremy's job.  This home feels less secluded than the other one that I really liked (but that is being sold).  But the street is quiet and the houses around it seem to be well cared for.  And we can add privacy by planting stuff.  There is a fence around the whole yard (not the garage), but it's not a great one.  It's a very short chain-link one.  And we've checked out the County data and everything seems on the up and up.  This is a woman selling who just lost her husband and she is now in an assisted living center.  She and her husband bought the house in 1987.  And they've maintained it.  It doesn't have a dishwasher, and it does need to be updated.  But the house itself is sound.  Jeremy checked out the foundation and the attic and the roof.  It's a solid house with solid beams.  So anyway, we are excited.  Oh, and the price.  The price is more than right.  But there will be work to do.  We will need to re-wire.  We will need to replace some windows, including enlarging some.  We will need to finish the whole basement.  So the question becomes:  buy the house at this price with the knowledge we will spend money to make it all that we want or wait for something more expensive that requires less time and work.  We are sleeping on it.  And praying about it.  And waiting for our pre-approval letter, which the bank didn't send, but which we need for when we make an offer.  We called the bank today to see about having them send it.  They were supposed to email it, but haven't yet.  And maybe this is one of those things that will keep us from buying the house before someone else does (it's already had 3 offers), in which case we will know this isn't the right house.  But we are excited nonetheless.  And learning.  And dreaming :).

Wow.  What a novel!  Sorry.

The other thing I should be working on (and have been a little)?  The Marvelous Monday Meals cookbook.  I'm going to have that thing done for Christmas this year daggumit.

Oh, in other news...  Due to the sudden and unexpected resignation of a co-worker (which is very sad, because she is my friend and she trained me on doing accounts payable stuff), I may or may not be changing jobs.  We'll see what happens.  My boss wants me to apply for it -- and I probably will.  She'd still be my boss.  But others may apply and have a larger skill-set that I don't have.  So we will see.  It does mean I'd work 40 hour weeks again, though.  And that's a bummer.  But I can work 4 tens.  And still have my 3-day weekends :).  So, I'll keep you posted.  And if you made it this far without falling asleep, you should give yourself a cookie :).  I'd give you one, if I was there :).

So Long, Old Friend

So, over the years, I have written a few blog posts about my ghetto car.  We've been through a lot together, this car and me.

There was the month that finally came that I had to register the car in Washington and figure out how to put a plate on the front (my older brother did it for me in the end...).

There was the time I had saved up money to buy a tv and instead ended up with snow tires (which have only been used once, I might add...).

And the time the doors froze shut on me and I stood in the driveway at my grandma's house bawling my eyes out.

Which led to the time I tried to prevent that occurrence and would back the car down the driveway and tuck it in at night (literally) and ended up busting my side-view mirror.

Yes, we've been through a lot together, that car and me.  And after over 8 years in my ownership -- and almost 80 thousand miles put on it by yours truly, it finally gave up the ghost.  Not on the best of days; but in the end, even that day the car was sort of taking care of me by dying how it did.  It died in our driveway rather than at my job or at the doctor's office or at the grocery store with a bunch of cold stuff waiting to be taken home to the refrigerator.

And yes, sometimes I complained about my car.  My car with the windows that wouldn't roll down.  My car with the weird metal piece laying at the base of the windshield (inside the car) that vibrated annoyingly, constantly.

But it was still sad to see it go.  And here's why:

That car saw me through two college degrees.

It took me to Dothan, Ashford, Tuscaloosa, Montgomery, Birmingham, Atlanta, Pensacola, Marianna, Valdosta, Ty Ty, Silverdale, Tacoma, Bellevue, Port Orchard, Poulsbo, Forks, Olympia, Tumwater, Belfair, and Bremerton.  Most of those many many times.

It kept limping along with water in its oil (probably the cause of it's demise), a radiator that leaked (and I had to fill up daily until Jeremy replaced the radiator last October), and the check engine light coming on because I refused to fix it (it ran better when the light was on, by the way).  It lived almost 2 years longer than Bob and Buck thought it would when they first discovered water in the oil.

It moved with me to 6 different addresses -- and helped move a lot of my stuff too.

It traveled through parts of Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, Illinois, Nebraska, Wyoming, Idaho, and Washington as it came with me out West.

It was part of fun rides with my sister, my friends, my nieces and nephews, my husband, my dad.

That car was a blessing.  A $2500 blessing that never broke when I couldn't afford it, and always started when it was most crucial that it did.

And so, even though it was time for it to go, it was sad.  And so, I took pictures with my car on that last day.  I said goodbye to the holder of many memories.  And I write them here so I can hopefully always remember them.  I'm a nostalgic kind of person anyway, and I don't think there's a thing wrong with that :).

So goodbye, old friend.  And thanks for the memories :).
 

On a lighter note...  As part of the "getting rid of the car" thing, Jeremy cleaned everything out of it.  Including the MRE (meal ready to eat) I'd had in there for a few years.  You know, just in case some catastrophe occurred while I was in my car and I needed food to survive.  Jeremy isn't one to waste food.  Don't know if you know that or not.  My dad calls him "hoover."  Anyway, so we ate the MRE.  In celebration of turning over a new leaf in the car department.  Haha...

Here I am.  Still smiling.  Because I haven't eaten any of it yet.  Although the look of it alone was pretty horrifying, let me tell you.  Jeremy plated it up and heated it up (in the microwave, since we are choosing to save the heater packets for our 72-hour kits) while I was on the couch house-hunting online, and when I went into the kitchen when he declared it ready...  All I could say was, "That's disgusting."  But it's all about the experience, you know :).  So we shared it.

And here is what we ate (and for some reason every time I load it up, it turns sideways, so I gave up...):  "grilled" "chicken breast" with smoke flavored seasoning (visible on the "chicken breast"); "chicken stuffing" that held the shape of the package nicely (Jeremy said he should have fluffed it); wheat bread/cracker thing with jalapeno cheese sauce on top; orange drink mix; and an apple cranberry ranger bar.  The ranger bar was the best part.  Followed by the wheat bread thing with cheese sauce.  As for the rest of it...  Just allow my copious use of quotation remarks to speak for itself.  YIKES.  Jeremy said it was easier if you just didn't think of it as chicken.  Haha...  Gross.  Oh, and the gum.  It tasted pretty good, but started to fall apart in your mouth after about 20 minutes of chewing.  Gross.  Oh, and there had been M&Ms, but their package busted open and they were gross.  Plus, 3 year old chocolate doesn't hold up all that well...

But I'm a person who loves to make memories.  So this was fun -- though disgusting.  And so I had to take a picture you know :).  Oh, and yes... I was still in my pj's at noon that day.  It was Saturday.  And I had probably gotten out of bed about 1.5 hours before.  Lazy, huh?  Well, my husband is on swing shift and so that's how we roll :).  August will be different when he's back on days.

We opted to go to his parents' house for dinner on Saturday rather than worry with car shopping.  And the house we were hopeful for...  Being sold :(.  Heavy sigh.  But.  We did find out we should have no problem being approved for a loan (we've been pre-approved), so I think that's a marvelous first step :).  Now we just get to have the fun of house-hunting online until the right one turns up :)!  And we'll just keep growing our down payment in the meantime :).

And that is all.

Post-Op

**I apologize in advance for the length of this entry...  Had a lot to say, I guess.

I survived surgery.  Does that sound dramatic and stupid?  Especially with what is considered an "easy" procedure (and I'm thinking this is meant physically easy, not psychologically or emotionally).

I was really nervous about it.  I'd never had surgery or any form of anesthesia before.  And I'm such a worrier.  It's in my genes.  My mind was plagued with "what if I don't wake up" thoughts.  (Although, now that I've experienced it, that may be a preferable way to go compared to some other ways...).

So I didn't go to work yesterday (obviously).  Jeremy and I slept in until about 10.  He is on swing shift, so we are up late.  It is good to get that sleep-in time.  Plus, I think we needed it mentally.  At least I did.  I'd been prepped on what to do an not do.  So I hadn't eaten since about 11:45 the night before, and wouldn't be eating until after surgery.  I also had to shower before leaving -- to get off extra germs.  I opted to not wear contacts, and they said I should wear loose-fitting clothes, so I wore a big t-shirt and my loose pajama pants that I love.  And flip flops.  We got to the hospital at noon.  Keep in mind, my car is dead.  We've been trying to start it for the last 3 days, mostly just to move it so we can put Jeremy's car in our one parking spot, and no dice.  So we are driving Jeremy's little 1988 Honda Civic.  I will say, that car is a trooper.  It always starts.  So I checked in and they got me back to the surgery waiting rooms pretty quick.  I had my hospital tag on (first one ever -- well, since my own birth some 31+ years ago).  Got to strip down to nothing but a hospital gown and red socks.  Now there's some fun.  And they started my IV.  Another first.  (And in case any of you were wondering, none of these things were really on my bucket list...).  The nurse had to poke me twice.  The first vein she tried on the top of my hand blew.  And this was probably the worst part of the whole thing, to tell the truth.  So I ended up with my IV at my wrist, and for the first hour, it was sort of a nuisance.  It bothered and I could feel it quite a bit.  But that may have also actually been the vein that blew and that puncture that I was feeling.  The nurse was rather apologetic.  And though all that poking and stuff wasn't really my idea of fun, I know it was unpleasant for her too, and I wouldn't want her job!  So they got me set up and I was able to just lay there.  Jeremy was in with me the entire time until they took me into surgery.  He was actually very calming.  Well, for the most part.  There was the time he decided to play with the medical equipment and put the pulse measure thing on his finger... which automatically turns on the monitor and starts measuring and beeping his heart-rate.  I guess I got pretty excited ("Jeremy!  They're probably monitoring that from the nurse's station!" etc etc (they don't call me drill sergeant for nothing, ya know...)), because Jeremy was watching my IV and said I sucked up some liquid fast at that point.  Hmmm...  And just in case you have never had the privilege to have an IV... it results the same as drinking fluids (which I was not allowed to do at this time...):  I had to pee.  Sorry if that's uncouth.  But seriously.  So Jeremy had to go get a nurse who had to walk with me to the bathroom carrying the IV bags and tubing while I covered my derriere.  Good. Times.  But anyway, aside from the whole Jeremy putting the pulse thing on his finger and then making the machine alarm when he took it off (all I can say is don't leave a curious engineer in a hospital room for too long, even with his wife), he really did help keep my mind off things.  We talked about cars, houses, random stuff like the time he chopped into his finger to the bone with a machete, but figured he'd just wrap it up with tape and "not show Mom" (he was about 9), that we could use the McDonald's coupons on the way home if I felt like it.  And we used that time to read our scriptures (the Ensign) for the day, since we really didn't know how I'd feel later.

My surgery was originally scheduled for 1.  I think they finally took me out at 3:45 to take me into surgery.  I'm guessing the surgery started around 4:00.  All I remember was them having me lift myself onto the operating table from the hospital bed and slide up a little bit more.  And I was out.  I don't remember a thing after that.  And it's weird.  One reason the idea of alcohol has never appealed to me any way is the whole not remembering what I did with my body (or what someone else did with my body).  There are other reasons, of course.  One being my religion.  But that whole unknown thing...  Freaks. Me. Out.  So I'm not all gang-busters about the time I was knocked out.  But, I am happy to have woken up.  Which was the next thing I remembered.  I had talked briefly with the anesthesiologist before I went into the OR and I told him I was nervous and had never been under anesthesia or had surgery before.  He smiled and said he was having a good week.  Haha...  It's different, the whole sensation of waking up like that.  I was in a different place from where I last remembered.  I know I shed a couple of tears (which I hadn't anticipated doing) in front of the nurse as I asked what I had asked many people (including both doctors and a nurse from before):  was there any living baby inside?  I don't know why I would ask such a thing, and now I'm not even sure that I did ask it; or even if I asked it after waking up or maybe if I managed to ask it before I fell asleep.  Well, I do know why I would ask.  I was terrified of that possibility, even though I know what the ultrasound said.  That thought just seemed horrific to me.  "What if..."

Time was strange.  I don't know when I got out of surgery.  Jeremy said the doctor went and told him all was well; and then Jeremy called my dad to let him know I was in recovery.  Jeremy said he still waited about 45 minutes after that before they went and got him.  So I don't know how long I was out, really.  When I finally put my glasses on and saw a clock (while the nurse went for Jeremy), it was 5:10.  I found out I was legally under the influence for the next 24 hours (so much for work today, since I couldn't drive... and as it stands right now, I'm still legally under the influence for another hour -- guess there's a first time for everything!).  I got dressed after Jeremy was back with me and he signed the paperwork I wasn't allowed to sign (not legally binding in my state).  I wanted to use the bathroom before leaving, and I didn't want to use a wheelchair.  Well, Jeremy went for the car and told them to wheel me out.  Grr...  Although he probably did that because I was a little more wobbly than I thought and I whispered that to him so as not to let the nurse hear (but I guess he was the wrong one to whisper it to ;)).  I called and texted everyone to let them know all was well.  We did stop by McDonald's (my with my hospital wrist band still on and the gauze over the IV puncture spot...  I'm sure I was a sight).  And perhaps it seems odd for us to stop at McDonald's.  Well, this is the first time in the entire life of our relationship that we've gone to McD's.  And we have coupons I bought to support the Scouts.  And I wasn't going to cook dinner.  And I was hungry.  And so was Jeremy.  Though he never really said so, I know the day was emotionally and mentally taxing on him.  I know this, because he took a 3 hour nap after we ate dinner.  And after I cried more.  I have grieved this a lot.  I thought I had finished grieving.  But there were more tears last night.  The sorrow.  The loss.  The hurt.  Even if I know there is a reason for all of it (in the big picture of my life and the opportunities for growth I will be given), it is still sad.  Still disappointing.  I didn't anticipate so many tears.  Jeremy just sits with me and holds me and wipes my tears and tells me it will all be okay.  After I had calmed down, I just wanted a shower.  And that's when my sweet husband fell asleep on the couch.  After my shower, I laid in the bed and did some stuff on the computer and started to read.  But Jeremy woke up and came in and snuggled with me.  And so we slept until 10:30p.m. (thus I got 2 hours of sleep and he got about 3).  Then we got up and ate brownies and ice cream and started looking at cars.  We were back in bed by 2 this morning and slept until 10.  It's been an emotionally draining few days for us.

Because I could not drive, I did not go to work today.  But one of the realizations I had as I was crying last night was that I really didn't want to go to work today anyway.  I wanted to just be at home.  Be with my husband.  I feel better now.  But that's how I felt last night.  And as I reflect on this whole experience...  Well, truthfully...  Truthfully I have felt a lot of emotions.  Probably some (if not all) the stages of grief.  I realized as Jeremy was driving me to the hospital yesterday that I was angry.  Angry with my Heavenly Father for giving us this trial instead of giving us a healthy baby in January.  Angry that He would allow my car to die the very week we are already dealing with this.  And even angry with myself for failing us and our baby.  Because even if that isn't true, I still feel it at times.  And no, it's not right.  I have been blessed abundantly, and I still know what I know.  My Heavenly Father loves me and He loves Jeremy.  And He has a plan for us.  I don't understand why this is part of that plan.  But it is.  And one day, I will understand.  I don't feel so angry as I sit here now.  Perhaps that was short-lived.  But I did feel it.  And I don't want to.  I don't want this to make me bitter.  Life is hard.  Everyone has struggles and hardships.  And it is what we do with them that shows us who we are.  And so, after writing all this (and I hope this isn't disturbing or tasteless to write... this is a form of my journal, and this is my life and what I'm experiencing now.  And I realized that I really respect and appreciate the candidness on some of the blogs I read, and I am choosing to be candid here), I also want to end with some things I am truly thankful for.  That I have realized in the last week or so how grateful I am for them.

My dad.  My dad loves me.  He worries about me.  He called me Tuesday evening to tell me he saw the pictures of the house I showed him that Jeremy and I are looking at and that it looks nice.  Is that really why he called?  No.  I could tell.  I could tell by the gentleness he used in speaking with me.  I could tell by the way he said, "I love you, hon" when he hung up.  I could tell that he just wanted to hear his little girl's voice again before she had surgery.  And I love him for that.  He is a wonderful father.  And I married someone a lot like him.  And so I know I married a wonderful man who is a wonderful husband and will be a wonderful father.  I am also grateful that my dad foresaw a need for his children to learn how to drive a standard transmission.  He taught almost all of us how to drive one from the get-go; telling me that, if I could drive one of those, I could drive anything.  And look at how that has come in handy!  My car has quit twice now since I've been married to Jeremy, and we've had Jeremy's car as a back-up.  But what would I do if I didn't know how to drive a stick-shift?  Thank you Dad, for preparing me in that way.

Speaking of cars...  Okay, I'm 100% frustrated with the timing of my car dying.  But it's far better timing than if it had died 2 years ago.  I didn't have Jeremy in my life then, and I wouldn't have had the money to go buy a new one.  Both of those circumstances have changed.  And again, though it seems horrible to have this pile on top of an already difficult week, the truth is, because of the circumstances, I haven't driven Jeremy's car as much as I otherwise would have.  And he stresses over it because his car is older and it has a lot of wear and tear.  It burns oil pretty badly, and he worries the clutch could go out soon.  He doesn't feel safe with me driving that car, and he wants me in something more reliable.  So we hope to find something this weekend.  It is part of our prayers.  And I am reminded of a talk from the October 2011 Conference by Elder Cornish.  He spoke about prayer.  It was an awesome talk all around -- one of my all-time favorites now.  You can read it here if you so care to.  One of my favorite quotes from this talk is this:  "I am led to believe that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that the things that are important to us become important to Him, just because He loves us."  I believe that is true, too.  And so I believe that He will help us find the right vehicle.  And the right house that we can turn into a home.  I believe that, as we put forth our efforts, He will bless those efforts and be mindful of us in our endeavors.

I am thankful for Priesthood blessings.  I really was nervous about surgery.  I asked for and received a blessing of comfort and was assured that all would go well.  I am thankful for those who sacrifice to serve.

I am thankful for the job I have at this time -- and the boss I have.  I earn sick leave, and I know my boss is understanding.  She is awesome.  She is aware that I hope to have a family one day and I will quit work when that day comes.  She knows that.  And though she tells me often how much she doesn't want to lose me, she also tells me how much she supports my desires.  She once told me, "Hila, we work to live; we don't live to work."  She has never made me feel guilty for my plans to quit.  She hasn't penalized me for them.  She texted yesterday before I got out of surgery to find out how I was -- she is actually concerned for me.  What a great blessing that is!  That I don't have to worry that I will have problems for how much time I was off this week (I only worked one day).

And, as I always am, I am grateful for amazing supportive friends and family.  I have been richly blessed to know so many good people.  And it makes all the difference.

A Double Dose of Monday

It feels like I have had 2 Mondays in a row.

Yesterday, of the 5 bags of popcorn I bought (from the WinCo bulk section... I don't recommend them) only one was of any value.  One burned (okay, my fault) and 3 didn't inflate and pop more than a handful of popped kernels.  Which made us late to choir (and made me smell like burned popcorn).  (The Primary kids had earned a popcorn party).  Let's just say the air popper from my youth has never failed me.  Including yesterday.

Okay, so that's not so dramatic.  But it really soured my mood for the day.

Today I had a doctor's appointment to discuss options for moving forward since my body has not miscarried naturally.  Yippy skippy.  Most likely, I will have a D&C on Wednesday.  So, already a hard and emotional day.  But to add insult to injury, when I was trying to get to my appointment, I went out to my car to leave for the appointment; and my car chose today of all days to die for good.  We knew it was going to eventually.  But, really car?!?  Today?  And after I just added Jeremy to the car insurance and changed my name on it on Thursday?  And after I just put $40 worth of gas in you on Saturday?!?  Grrr...  So I was late to my appointment.  And now I'm driving Jeremy's car again. 

So I didn't bother going to work today.  I was going to, but my boss told me not to.  I'm thankful for an understanding boss.

And then I found out my cousin (you know her as Elka) is not coming to Washington for 3 years (or so).  Her husband got orders elsewhere.  And yes, that qualifies to go on my poopie Monday list.  Because I was pretty hopeful she was coming.  (I am, however, glad she knows where she's going and that she's going to get to be close to family there :)).

So yeah, today, in particular, was hard.  Very teary.  I guess it's to be expected.  Ups and downs.  But it's frustrating too.

So we are now looking for another vehicle.  We are going to think positively and hope we can fill up a mini-van with children.  We are opting to go ahead and buy one of those now.

In other positive news:

We are beginning the process of home-ownership (hopefully).  We will start with the trying to get pre-approved for a loan stuff.  We have found a house we like and that fits what we want.  We are hopeful; but I also know that, if it's not meant to be, it won't happen.  And I'm okay with that.  It is a big house (almost 3000 square feet).  It has a basement with a 2nd kitchen (I love the idea of a basement for summertime!).  It has a very short commute to where Jeremy works (definitely a must, since he rides his bike; and since we plan for me to stay home with our babies, I don't need to worry about a commute to work).  It has the amount of property we want (which, in the city, is hard to come by).  And it's in a quiet area.  It's a corner lot with a lot of trees and shrubbery; so again, though it's in the city, it seems secluded and private.  And we really like that.  As with everything, we know there are some cons.  It's an older house (1940) and so lead paint may be a concern.  We also could see (from the outside looking in) that we'll need to update the wiring.  We haven't been inside the house yet, so there may be more.  And you know, like I said... If it's not the right house, it's not the right house.  The right thing will come along.  But I'm excited about this house and we feel good about it.  Good enough to move forward, at least :).

Two of Jeremy's brothers took me shooting on the 4th of July.  Aside from a BB Gun, I'd never shot a gun.  But that day I shot a .22 and a .357 Magnum.  Okay, so I only shot the .357 once (that had some recoil!).  But I did shoot it :).  I didn't hit the target with that one, but I did hit the target (a paper plate about 40 to 50 feet away) 4 times with the .22.  I count that as decent for my first try :).  It was fun.

Brad and Angie came by for dinner last night and we enjoyed visiting and we are still enjoying Angie's fudgy "thinking of you" brownies :).

Jeremy and I enjoyed dinner at Applebee's on Saturday, followed up by Tillamook ice cream (chocolate peanut butter) and family videos from my family, circa 1984.  That was the summer we visited up here and we went to a State Park that Jeremy lived near.  I told him, "Wouldn't it have been funny if you had been at that very park on that very day!?!"  haha...  I'm sure it wasn't so.  But pretty cool that we were in such close proximity to each other (back when I was 3.5 and he wasn't quite 2 yet ;)).

I have strawberries, raspberries, and tomatoes growing at my grandma's house.  And the best part is that I am not doing much in the way of tending them; yet they are growing :).  I also was told about a raspberry bush near where I park for work that is located on County property where no on is living (and therefore they aren't being picked).  So I went and picked about 2.5 cups of them on Thursday!  I plan to pick more tomorrow afternoon too :).

So yeah, there's still lots of good things going on -- even in the midst of Mondays.  And there's even one more...  All you wonderful friends who have shared your love.  We love you :).  And we thank you :).

The Answer

So the question was "What is the ideal amount of time Hila should bake a bun in the oven?"

The answer is -- and will always be -- 9 months.

A more specific answer would have been "until January 25th."  That was my due date.

But Jeremy and I lost our baby.  And we found that out on Thursday.

I thought I was about 11 weeks pregnant when I went in for my first official doctor's appointment last Tuesday.  I had some concerns (like I had stopped feeling pregnant -- as in, my symptoms (of which there had never been many) had suddenly stopped, and a couple of other things.  I had even called the consulting nurse the Thursday before our wedding celebration, wondering if the sudden absence of symptoms was cause for alarm.  She said no.  I am a worrier by nature, so I was trying not to be.  So I just listened to what she said and went forward.  But still, there were concerns in the back of my mind.  I consulted my copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" for some of my concerns.  Hard to decide, since many of my concerns could go either way.  In the end, when I went in and talked to the doctor, he said we'd listen for a heart beat through the doppler thing.  We didn't hear one.  He scheduled me for an urgent ultrasound, which took place 2 days later (since the 4th fell in between).  And that's when I learned what I already feared:  our baby had stopped developing some time before.

All in all, we are holding up much better than I thought we would -- or at least much better than I thought I would.  Yes, tears were shed.  Many times.  And it is still up and down.  But I have felt such an outpouring of love and support from friends and family.  And even strangers.  The first person I told was a random woman who was checking out at the doctor while I was waiting to go in and talk with my doctor about next steps.  She saw me crying (she had a newborn baby boy in a car seat), and she came over to me and asked if I was pregnant.  I cried as I said, "No.  I was, but my baby stopped growing."  She hugged me and told me she was so sorry and that it had happened to her too.  I cannot tell you how much that meant to me -- this woman I have never before seen and probably never will again -- who was brave enough to ask a question and then express sincere compassion.  There is still so much good in this world.  I witness it almost daily; and for that, I am grateful.  I will never forget that moment.

In the days since, I have learned from many of my friends that they, too, have lost babies.  Friends I have known for a while and had no idea.  Truthfully, it's not a club anyone wants to join.  And so I guess not many wish to talk about it either.  Until someone else is touched by the tragedy of it, and then, the desire is to be supportive and loving and compassionate.  And for that, I am grateful.  It eases the burden somewhat to know I am not alone.  Not that I am glad these wonderful women have had to endure something so heart-breaking.  But to have them share, because they know where I am, having been there themselves...  It has helped me greatly.  One friend who has experienced two such losses in her life brought over cookie dough blizzards for us to eat as I talked.  Another, whose loss was very similar to ours, brought Jeremy and me a lemon tree -- because when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

Yes, I hope to one day understand why.  Because it hurts.  It is sad.  Jeremy and I had begun planning for our future.  I had a date for quitting work.  I was getting ready to start cross-stitching part of a poem I want to hang in the nursery.  I was getting excited about moving into a bigger home and starting to stock-pile diapers and wipes :).  I was looking forward to going to garage sales to find other baby items.  (Neutral, though, since we didn't plan on finding out if we were having a boy or a girl until the baby was born).  We were starting to discuss names and whether or not we thought we'd have a boy or a girl (Jeremy was sure it would be a girl).  I enjoyed looking at the weekly updates of what our baby was doing and how it was growing now.  And then, suddenly, those things were taken away.  And that is hard. 

But I also know that our Heavenly Father loves us.  And so, though it is hard and it is sad, I know He has a perfect plan for Jeremy and me.  I find it to be no coincidence that I got on facebook just a few minutes ago and saw my friend Jeni had posted a beautiful quote that I love.  I will post it here:

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

How grateful I am to know that is true.  To know that the tears we have cried for our baby that we so wanted will be compensated for.  And that one day we will understand.  

In the meantime, I will be grateful for the blessings that have come, even from such an event as this.  I will be grateful for a wonderful husband who holds me and lets me cry and assures me that we will get through this together.  I am grateful to know that, as he and I do face the trials of life together, our bond will only become stronger and our love will become even deeper.  I am grateful for the kindness of others -- friends, family, and strangers alike.  I am grateful that I have gained understanding and compassion pertaining to this issue.  And I will count it a miracle that Jeremy and I know we can get pregnant.  Because that has been a long-standing concern of mine, due to my hormone imbalance.  And so, because we desire with all our hearts to be parents, we will try again; once my body is ready.  And we will hope.  We will hope for the beauty and blessing (and struggles) of parenthood.  And we will trust our Heavenly Father.  Even when it is hard. 

A Belated Honeymoon

Well, if you're going to have a belated wedding celebration, you might as well have a belated honeymoon too, right ;)?  That's what we did, at least!  After our fun little party on Saturday, we had a regular Sunday.  Then Monday we packed up and headed to Oregon.

My husband's idea of a vacation is being home and being allowed to be lazy.

My idea of a vacation is being out of town.  Otherwise, if I'm home, I feel like I have to do stuff around the house.  Like wash dishes.

I learned that we need to compromise in the future.  Because I'm a little bit of a vacation over-achiever -- if you will.  Or, as my dad likes to call me, a dictator.  I try to cram as much into a little amount of time as possible.  And so I planned for us to go to Tillamook, OR (because Jeremy and I both love cheese and he hadn't been there) and to Crater Lake, because neither of us had been there and I have had it on my list for many years.  And, based on Google maps, I thought it seemed do-able in 3 days.  And that's where I'm a bit of an over-achiever.  (I did this before when I planned a trip to Seattle when I lived in Alabama.  In my mind, travel time does not account for much ;)).  So anyway, in the end, highway 101, while quite scenic and pretty, was not "only 8 minutes longer" like Google maps suggested.  And it's way windy and curvy and uphill a lot.  And by the time we reached Roseburg on Tuesday, we knew we wouldn't be doing Crater Lake.  Because that alone was another 2 to 3 hour drive one way.  And since we took Jeremy's car -- and it's a stick -- he drove all of it.  I can drive a stick.  But I'm not well-skilled anymore.  It probably wouldn't have gone well on all those Oregonian hills ;).

So we went to Tillamook and Roseburg.  And it was still pretty lovely a time.  And here's the run-down!

We got into Tillamook Monday evening and checked into the same motel where my mom and I stayed 2 years ago.  I like that motel. It's roomy and clean, and I really have no complaints.  We went and bought Subway for dinner, and returned to the room to eat.  Then we relaxed for the evening and enjoyed a good night's rest.  We took our time getting ready in the morning and checked out close to 11 (which was check-out time).  Of course, we took advantage of the continental breakfast -- and vacation food is allowed to be unhealthy :).  We headed to Tillamook Cheese Factory and took our first picture.  Can you tell the sun is in our faces?

We got inside and found our next great photo op.  The VW baby loaf!  Prior to us climbing in there, it was populated by a bunch of kids.  But hey...  You have to do these types of things!  Much thanks to the kind gentleman who took our picture for us :).  And just in case you can't tell, I was even wearing my Tillamook shirt that declares "Life is Cheesy, eat it up."  Love that shirt.

So we took the tour.  Jeremy thoroughly enjoyed watching the plant process of cutting and packaging the cheese.  I think it's the engineer in him.  It really is quite cool, and you would not believe the amount of cheese that comes out of there...  It's a cheese-lover's dream.  And I'm a cheese-lover :).  So, the last thing I would expect while I'm at the cheese factory in Oregon is for my name to be called out by anyone other than my husband, who was with me and by my side.  But, that's what happened!  Someone from here was down for a family reunion and we managed to both be at the same place at the same time!  It's weird to have that happen, let me tell you! 

After we meandered around looking into the factory windows, we headed downstairs to the cheese samples.  Very important part of the tour.  We enjoyed cheese curds (squeaky cheese), medium cheddar, white cheddar, pepper jack, colby, and -- our favorite -- garlic white cheddar.  That stuff is awesome.  We proceeded into the store part, where we purchased some chili pepper garlic slices.  And some mint fudge.  And then it was on to the fabulous cafe.  Where, of course, we had to get some grilled cheese sandwiches!  But Jeremy likes food.  And he can afford it!  So we got a plate of macaroni and cheese as well :).  We shared the mac & cheese.  It was all delicious!  See :). 

I couldn't eat much of the mac and cheese, because I wanted to save room for ice cream.  We each got a scoop before leaving.  I got Tillamook Mudslide (which has a thick ribbon of chocolate in chocolate ice cream... Oh my is it good!) and Jeremy got a scoop of Udderly Chocolate, which has white and regular chocolate mixed, with flakes of chocolate.  And some guy, who was waiting for his wife to shop in the gift store, struck up conversation with us.  He told Jeremy not to eat too much of that, or he'd end up like this guy did...  We learned he was a retired state trooper who worked in California and Washington.  We also learned he was willing to give people 6 miles over the speed limit and that he only pulled people over for doing stupid things (which didn't include not using a turn signal to switch lanes).  Funny what you learn while eating ice cream at Tillamook.

And then we were on the road.  Headed South.  We opted to take the 101, because Jeremy like the beach and wanted to stop by the beach for a bit.  And we found a great spot to do so!  As we walked out onto the beach, we rounded a corner and saw this little island sitting right in the middle of the vista.  It was beautiful!  And chilly, with the wind.  Which is why you will see I was wearing Jeremy's sweater.

After a few failed attempts, I finally managed to get a decent picture of us with a pretty background.

And we waded in the ocean a bit.  It was really cold at first (but what do you expect for Oregon coastline?).  The tide started coming in as we were out wading.

But what a cutie ;).  He loved this.

On the island thingy, there was this little tunnel.  I managed to rock-climb (with Jeremy's help) up to the tunnel thing.  I told him, after that harrowing experience (I have tender feet and I'm sorta wimpy...), I was getting a picture to prove I'd survived!  So here are a couple.

Behind us is the other way out.  Which looked a lot less treacherous to me.  So I told him we were leaving by that route.  The problem with that route?  Well, it went straight into the water (whether the river or the ocean, didn't matter).  And it was deep.  We tried to find a way around that would prevent us (especially me) from getting wet above our knees.  'Twas an impossibility.  And I finally just said. "Let's just go."  And I crossed -- with cell phone held safely above my head -- in upper-thigh-deep water.  See?  And, of course, my feet got caked with sand -- now that they were really wet.  And my pants came un-rolled and started picking up sand as well.  And I said to Jeremy, "I hate sand.  You know that, right?"  Haha.  That is love, people.  That is love ;).

And here I am trying to get all the sand off me in the fresh water, before going back to the car.  Jeremy was safe-guarding my camera at the time, and I had no idea he was taking these pictures...

Well, until now.

Anyway, it was really pretty.  And I was able to change clothes so I was dry for the remainder of our drive.  And we made great memories.  And life's about that :).  As the day wore on, the driving got old.  We missed a turn in the crummy town of Reedsport, where they do not use "traditional" road signage.  We had to turn around and drive around the Southern edge of the city, looking for our way east.  Thankfully we found it.  Now, I'd had pictures of our hotel in Roseburg.  And I'm a city girl, so it looked on the up-and-up to me.  We had google mapped that as well, based on the address they had sent me in my hotel reservation confirmation.  We were prepared!  And so we went driving into the back roads of Oregon -- where there weren't any gas stations.  (Thankfully that never was an issue for us, but I'm just trying to paint a picture for you :)).  We found our roads.  We were excited.  We turned onto our last road, which we only had to take for .6 miles.  And let me tell you, I was getting a little worried.  As we drove down that road -- slowly, I said to Jeremy, "Aren't you getting a little worried?  I mean, I expected it to look a little less rural."  Because we were in farm country.  Seriously.  People were feeding their horses and cows (and probably wondering who the heck was driving down their one-lane country road).  Jeremy laughed and said, "What is there to worry about?  This is America's Best Value!"  (We were staying in America's Best Value hotel).  He thinks he's so funny.  We went more than .6 miles -- and the scenery didn't change.  It was about that time we decided that we had something wrong.  And I called the hotel.  (Thank goodness we had cell phone reception!).  Well, it turned out the hotel didn't even have their address right when they sent me that confirmation.  There's a big difference between "road" and "blvd."  Road is rural.  Blvd is not.  We got back on the main road, and it did dump us into Roseburg proper.  And the city girl in my heaved a huge sigh of relief :).  Of course, we went from one extreme to the other, because we were right on the interstate.  We heard the traffic all night long.  Oh well.  So we decided, upon getting in at 8 that night, that we didn't want to drive another 4 to 6 hours the next day plus however long a drive it would be from the hotel to my Aunt Sue's house.  Because, since we were down that way, we figured we should stop by to visit.  So instead, we slept a lot on Wednesday and then headed out to my Aunt's around 2.  Ironically enough, we had passed her road on the way in.  Haha...  And she lives way out in a log cabin.  So we got there and visited for about 5 hours.  It was really nice and she cooked us a delicious tri-tip on the grill with twice-baked potatoes and fresh garden peas.  And apple pie for dessert :).  It was relaxing, and I managed to get some sun while sitting out on their deck and visiting :).  And we made sure to take a picture before we left.  We left about 8:20 -- got kicked out by Aunt Sue and Uncle Ernie, because driving in the back country where the deer and elk play is not ideal around twilight.  They like to come down to the river -- which was on our right side the entire way almost.  So we headed back to the hotel and wound down for the night. 

Thursday dawned, and we ate breakfast (continental, but not nearly as good as the one in Tillamook) and then packed up.  We spent the next 5 hours on the road, headed to Jeremy's brother's house.  We stayed with his brother and family Thursday night and it was really enjoyable.  It was fun to get to know them better and to sit and visit and share opinions and thoughts :).  And it was relaxing.  Well, except for the part where Jeremy was trying to prove he could eat a hamburger in one bite -- and he started choking.  That wasn't so relaxing (read: scared me to nearly to death).  His sister-in-law made some yummy zucchini bread for breakfast.  We were up at 6 in the morning for some unknown reason, but we were able to see his brother off to work and visit a lot with his sister-in-law before all the kids got up.  So we laughed and joked and had fun.  And then went to a garage sale looking for a food processor (unsuccessful).  And by about 11:40 we were back on the road headed home.  We stopped off at his parents' house and visited with them for a couple hours.  That was nice too.  We got home and took a much needed nap after we unloaded the car.  Then we got ready to go out to eat.  (Who wants to cook when you come back from vacation?).  We went to this place we love, only this time, instead of getting pizza, we got pasta.  It was good.  We really like that place.  We came home and basically turned in for the night.  We were exhausted!  You know the saying:  need a vacation from the vacation!  And so next time, I will probably provide for that and have us leave earlier for vacation so we have a couple days to recuperate on the return end...

Because today has been trying to get ready for Monday.  Blah.  Laundry and fixing bikes and noticing my back tire is low -- have to fix that, and shopping for food and...  You get the picture.  YUCK.  But at least we made some memories :).

And okay, so I promised another sample question from our questionnaire.  Here goes.  You can feel free to leave your answer in the comments!

What is the ideal amount of time Hila should bake a bun in the oven?

Happy guessing!