Today Was [Not] the Greatest

It's a song-title post!  Like the first in forever! (I love this Smashing Pumpkins song.  I remember watching it on MTV.)

The good news is that the day ended on a good note. 

The rest of the day... not the greatest day ever. 

It began at 6:40 when the munchkin woke up.  I tried to convince her she wanted to sleep longer with me in my bed.  She was having none of that.  So we got up. 

And she was uber-fussy.  And I was uber-grumpy.  She yelled at me because I wouldn't give her one of my pre-natal vitamins (the audacity, Mommy!).  Yep, she's entered the tantrum phase.  And so we've started showing her that the only place it's okay for her to throw tantrums is in her room.  We carry her in there, put her on her toddler bed (which she isn't currently sleeping in yet, but it's a good option for her when she's not really being punished and can therefore leave her room of her own choice) and tell her she is welcome to come out when she is ready to not be angry with us.  Then we pull the door to (not closed, so she can get out) and return to what we were doing.  She usually comes out within 30 seconds. And so far, her mood improves just as fast...

She also yelled at me because I insisted on holding the cup with the chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie we were sharing, even while she was drinking out of it.  Because I didn't want it spilled all over the place.  We again talked about where tantrums were appropriate.  (Not that we are super-excited to have her throw them... But we acknowledge that she has opinions and she is her own littler person with likes and dislikes and frustrations.  We believe she has the right to express herself, but there is an appropriate way and place for her to be in a bad mood...).

Of course, maybe I should have stayed in my bed all day since I was grumpy.  Too bad mommies don't have that option.  I'd have gladly taken it today!

Anyway, I did a lot of baking (prepping for the Christmas goodies give-away I do every year...).  Plus I had a friend coming over with her kiddos for dinner since her husband is away for work and she needed a mommy break -- and her kids love rough-housing with Jeremy.  Plus I was making enough to take to another friend who just had baby number 5 -- and the first one via c-section.  So, I was in the kitchen a lot, and Lynnaea didn't like that, because she kind of likes to be played with a lot. 

And I'll confess, I let her watch way too much TV today.  In the interest of her being happy and me getting stuff done.

And we did blow bubbles for a while -- which she thought was great.  Until she wanted to hold the bubble solution and I wouldn't let her.  Then she yelled at me again.  Repeat the "your bedroom" discussion. 

By the time Jeremy got home, I was just not in the happiest of moods.  I was exhausted and trying to finish everything.  My house looked like a disaster. 

And my thought:  This is why some women choose to work and send their kids to daycare! 

And then I felt guilty.  Because I have, for as long as I can remember, always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  But some days are hard.  And, until you're in the thick of it, you don't realize there are really hard days.  Before you are a stay-at-home mom, you live in ignorant bliss of what that really means. 

So, I thought of my own mom a lot today, while I was being the complete antithesis of the kind of mom she has always been -- and the kind of mom I aspire to be:  patient always, loving always, generous and giving always.  Being that she is, in fact, human, I am sure my mom had her frustrations when she had two toddlers running around -- or even a toddler and an infant!  But I cannot recall a time where I ever felt like she regretted being home with me -- or wished I'd just go away. 

And so, today, as I had those thoughts...  I felt a heavy heart.  Shame.  Guilt. 

Because I love being home with my Lynnaea.  I love her so very much.  And at the end of the day, as I hold her while she starts to fall asleep, and I sing to her...  Or while I read her stories before we head to her bedroom, and she calmly and sweetly sits on my lap and barks at the appropriate spot in the doggie story (she says "woof!" every time I point to the dog in the book; so I point to the dog every time the story says "woof!" -- it works great, and we're reading together :)).  In those moments, I look back over the day and think, "What was so hard about today?  Why couldn't I just deal?" 

And the answer is, I don't know.  Jeremy says we just have our ups and downs... 

But even so...  I want to be better than this.  Lynnaea deserves better.  And so, though today definitely wasn't the greatest day of ever...  Tomorrow is a new day.  And I'll try again.  To be the mommy I want to be.  And the mommy my precious girl deserves.  True, mommy-hood is not all roses.  But it's a wonderful blessing.  And I honestly wouldn't trade it -- or being home with my daughter -- for anything.  Even if, for a split second, I think I might...