Uncertainties

I know how everyone loves the deeply personal, right?  The real life.  The nitty gritty. 

Some people may not approve of my openness about things.  I'm okay with that.  Everyone has their opinions and feelings about things.  I keep lots of things close and unspoken.  Others I feel fine with sharing. 

Pregnancies -- or lack thereof -- are among those I feel fine with sharing. 

So here's the thing:  before Jeremy and I got married, I had a very real fear that I would not get pregnant easily (if at all).  And if I did get pregnant, I feared the high probability of miscarriage.

But then I got married.  And we got pregnant like right away.  I was so happy I didn't have to fear not getting pregnant. 

But then I miscarried.  And that was incredibly traumatic for me.  I lived in such fear that I would miscarry every baby I was able to conceive.  I felt like it was my fault.  My body had failed me.  I was afraid of going through it all again.  But I wanted a baby so very much.  It had been my dream for so long.  And so we tried again, right away.

And I got pregnant again.  Right away.  It was then I realized we wouldn't have problems conceiving like I'd feared.  And I breathed a sigh of relief.  Somewhat.  Because I still feared miscarriage.  And, at 7 weeks, I thought I'd had another one.  Turned out it was a blood vessel or something.  Because Lynnaea came along despite what I thought :).  And it was amazing.  Pregnancy was amazing and wonderful.  I loved feeling her move and seeing her move.  True, motherhood was a shock to my system in many ways.  And it took me by surprise and took me longer to adjust than I ever anticipated it would.  But I love it.  And I knew I wanted to do it again.

And so, when we got pregnant again in May without really trying (but not really not trying), I was again reassured that getting pregnant would not be difficult for us.  3 pregnancies as soon as we "tried" made for great statistics. 

But then I miscarried again.

We felt certain we'd be pregnant again, though.  As soon as my body went through a regular cycle and we tried again. 

...But we didn't get pregnant that month.  Or the next.  And not this month either. 

And, yeah, I know it doesn't always happen right away...  But for us, three times, it did.  And now... Nothing.

Will life be miserable if we do not have more children?  No.  We are incredibly blessed with our sweet Lynnaea.  In fact, I often wonder if we aren't being spoiled by what a mellow baby/toddler she is and our next kiddo will be the opposite ;).

But I have always wanted to be a mother of more than one.  I want Lynnaea to have siblings. 

And so, with 3 months in a row being unsuccessful (though when I say we are trying, I don't mean we are taking temperatures and being all scientific about it) after a miscarriage; and knowing I am getting older...  Well, I am starting to be a little worried. 

It makes me sad to think we may never open up those boxes of infant clothes again.  Or that I bought a bumbo from a friend after Lynnaea was too old for it for nothing, because we'll never have a baby to put in it again.  I don't want to give away all our baby stuff one day, knowing we had hoped for more babies but didn't get them in this life.

...But many women have that happen.  And who am I to think I shouldn't be one of them? 

So, I'm not giving up hope.  Just sharing my thoughts.  We are very blessed.  Lynnaea is amazing and I love her so incredibly.  I hope to give her a brother or sister (or both ;)) one day.  But if not...

It'll be okay.  Even if it will be sad.