The Answer

So the question was "What is the ideal amount of time Hila should bake a bun in the oven?"

The answer is -- and will always be -- 9 months.

A more specific answer would have been "until January 25th."  That was my due date.

But Jeremy and I lost our baby.  And we found that out on Thursday.

I thought I was about 11 weeks pregnant when I went in for my first official doctor's appointment last Tuesday.  I had some concerns (like I had stopped feeling pregnant -- as in, my symptoms (of which there had never been many) had suddenly stopped, and a couple of other things.  I had even called the consulting nurse the Thursday before our wedding celebration, wondering if the sudden absence of symptoms was cause for alarm.  She said no.  I am a worrier by nature, so I was trying not to be.  So I just listened to what she said and went forward.  But still, there were concerns in the back of my mind.  I consulted my copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" for some of my concerns.  Hard to decide, since many of my concerns could go either way.  In the end, when I went in and talked to the doctor, he said we'd listen for a heart beat through the doppler thing.  We didn't hear one.  He scheduled me for an urgent ultrasound, which took place 2 days later (since the 4th fell in between).  And that's when I learned what I already feared:  our baby had stopped developing some time before.

All in all, we are holding up much better than I thought we would -- or at least much better than I thought I would.  Yes, tears were shed.  Many times.  And it is still up and down.  But I have felt such an outpouring of love and support from friends and family.  And even strangers.  The first person I told was a random woman who was checking out at the doctor while I was waiting to go in and talk with my doctor about next steps.  She saw me crying (she had a newborn baby boy in a car seat), and she came over to me and asked if I was pregnant.  I cried as I said, "No.  I was, but my baby stopped growing."  She hugged me and told me she was so sorry and that it had happened to her too.  I cannot tell you how much that meant to me -- this woman I have never before seen and probably never will again -- who was brave enough to ask a question and then express sincere compassion.  There is still so much good in this world.  I witness it almost daily; and for that, I am grateful.  I will never forget that moment.

In the days since, I have learned from many of my friends that they, too, have lost babies.  Friends I have known for a while and had no idea.  Truthfully, it's not a club anyone wants to join.  And so I guess not many wish to talk about it either.  Until someone else is touched by the tragedy of it, and then, the desire is to be supportive and loving and compassionate.  And for that, I am grateful.  It eases the burden somewhat to know I am not alone.  Not that I am glad these wonderful women have had to endure something so heart-breaking.  But to have them share, because they know where I am, having been there themselves...  It has helped me greatly.  One friend who has experienced two such losses in her life brought over cookie dough blizzards for us to eat as I talked.  Another, whose loss was very similar to ours, brought Jeremy and me a lemon tree -- because when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.

Yes, I hope to one day understand why.  Because it hurts.  It is sad.  Jeremy and I had begun planning for our future.  I had a date for quitting work.  I was getting ready to start cross-stitching part of a poem I want to hang in the nursery.  I was getting excited about moving into a bigger home and starting to stock-pile diapers and wipes :).  I was looking forward to going to garage sales to find other baby items.  (Neutral, though, since we didn't plan on finding out if we were having a boy or a girl until the baby was born).  We were starting to discuss names and whether or not we thought we'd have a boy or a girl (Jeremy was sure it would be a girl).  I enjoyed looking at the weekly updates of what our baby was doing and how it was growing now.  And then, suddenly, those things were taken away.  And that is hard. 

But I also know that our Heavenly Father loves us.  And so, though it is hard and it is sad, I know He has a perfect plan for Jeremy and me.  I find it to be no coincidence that I got on facebook just a few minutes ago and saw my friend Jeni had posted a beautiful quote that I love.  I will post it here:

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

How grateful I am to know that is true.  To know that the tears we have cried for our baby that we so wanted will be compensated for.  And that one day we will understand.  

In the meantime, I will be grateful for the blessings that have come, even from such an event as this.  I will be grateful for a wonderful husband who holds me and lets me cry and assures me that we will get through this together.  I am grateful to know that, as he and I do face the trials of life together, our bond will only become stronger and our love will become even deeper.  I am grateful for the kindness of others -- friends, family, and strangers alike.  I am grateful that I have gained understanding and compassion pertaining to this issue.  And I will count it a miracle that Jeremy and I know we can get pregnant.  Because that has been a long-standing concern of mine, due to my hormone imbalance.  And so, because we desire with all our hearts to be parents, we will try again; once my body is ready.  And we will hope.  We will hope for the beauty and blessing (and struggles) of parenthood.  And we will trust our Heavenly Father.  Even when it is hard.