The Pit of Despair

...Don't even think about trying to escape.

Quick!  Name that movie line!

Seriously, though...  That's where it's felt like I've been living for the past two and a half months, up until about a week ago.  It's why my blog has gone largely ignored (save for mostly picture posts for my dad).  I'm happy to say I think I've managed to claw my way out of that pit now.  And I know the strength to do so did not come from me.  I'm thankful for the blessings and strength that have come from Heavenly Father -- sometimes in the form of people who care about me, sometimes in just a boost of sheer willpower from within.  But they have come.  And I have learned.

Pregnancy was easy for me.  The beginning of motherhood... not so much.  I had a pretty healthy dose of post-partum depression.  Not the "I want to hurt myself or my baby" type.  Just the "I feel like a failure at everything" type.  I cried a lot.  I made huge mountains out of little molehills.  I cried a lot more.  I worried incessantly.  And cried some more.  (Okay, so I still haven't conquered the whole "worrying" thing... But that's always been a part of me).  I really came to dislike who I was.  And so I cried even more.

But here's what I've learned:

Motherhood is hard.  It's not for wimps.  And it leaves no room for selfishness.  It made me examine myself and who I am -- and who I want to be.  I realized quickly that I have been a person quite prone to selfishness.  And so, for the first two weeks of motherhood, I struggled immensely.  I realized my identity had changed.  I could no longer plan on just doing whatever I wanted to.  Because everything I did, and everywhere I would go, would include a little girl.  I lacked sleep, I was dealing with a lot of pain, and as I looked at pictures of me I have around the house, it was like I was looking at a stranger.  I couldn't remember being the person in those pictures anymore.  It felt like I was looking at someone else.  And I began to wonder why we wanted to have a baby.  Which, by the way, leads to an incredible amount of guilt (at least for me).  How could I feel those things about this precious spirit that we wanted so desperately and were so blessed to receive?  I felt ungrateful.  I felt like a horrible person.  And I felt like a miserable mother to a precious child who deserved so much more than me for a mother.  I frequently asked Heavenly Father what He had been thinking -- sending one of His sweet spirits to someone such as I.  I felt sorry for Lynnaea for having me as her mother.

But I loved her.  I love her.  She is amazing.  And though I still think she deserves better than me, I am so grateful she is mine.  And I'm thankful that Heavenly Father entrusted her to me (and Jeremy) to love and cherish.  And I want to be the mommy she deserves.  I want to be a good example to her, so she can grow up strong and confident and selfless.  I want her to be better than I was...  Better than I am.  And so I will work to be who I need to be for her. 

And call me stupid, but I was unprepared for how adding a child would impact our marriage.  I naively thought we would be unaffected.  Hahaha...  Wow.  After a year of marriage where everything was mostly blissful and stress-free, we entered the realm of parenthood.  And we had to learn to work together.  If you had asked me 3 months ago if Jeremy and I worked together well and compromised well, I'd have said, "Heck yeah!"  And you know, we do...  But it took a lot of effort the last couple of months for us to work together in raising Lynnaea.  Even at this early stage. Part of that is because I am a control freak.  I want things to be my way.  And, actually, Jeremy feels that way too.  And before, when we were married but still doing most things "our own way," it wasn't a big deal.  But parenthood is different.  We both have a vested interest (for lack of a better term) in raising Lynnaea.  She is a product of both of us.  And we both have opinions about what is best for her.  So we've learned how to communicate better.  And we're still learning.  And that was just the tension of dealing with working together to raise a child.  Added to that is the fact that our "us" time went from anytime we were both home to almost non-existent.  Babies are a lot of work and require a lot of attention and tending-to.  (That's a lot different now that Lynnaea has mastered night-time sleep, and she goes down for the night anywhere between 8 and 9).  So, whereas before, we didn't always make date-night a priority (because every night could be date night if we felt so inclined), I can now see why it needs to be a priority.  It is vital that we maintain our relationship and strengthen and nurture it -- and it's for Lynnaea's benefit as well as for our own.  Our marriage is the foundation of our family, so it needs to be nurtured and strong.  Thankfully we have a ton of friends and family who have volunteered to take our little munchkin for an evening so we can make sure to have our dates :).  Last Saturday we went to our favorite Mongolian Grill place while Lea and Chuck kept her.  Then we took yummy ice cream to Lea and Chuck's and enjoyed it with them as a "thank you" for watching our sweet girl.

And here's where my dad can say "I told you so."  When I would get on my soapbox about what he and my mom should do in regards to a few things as parents, he always told me "Just wait until you have kids."  You see, I used to think there was a clear and big fat line designating between hurting and harming.  And I don't mean physically here.  I mean those little things that you do because you want to help your kids; but sometimes you're really hurting them by holding them back or solving all their problems for them, thereby not allowing them to learn valuable problem-solving skills, etc.  For example:  homework.  If you give your kid all the answers, or "show" him how to do every single problem on the page by doing it for him...  Maybe you think you're helping.  But you aren't.  You're hurting his growth abilities.  That's an obvious example.  But there are a million others that maybe aren't so obvious.  I really thought I wouldn't be a bleeding heart.  But I was wrong.  Sunday evening was the end of a day where Lynnaea had only had one good nap all day -- and it had been that morning.  She was grouchy grumpy.  I knew she was tired, and usually I could get her to fall asleep by holding her to my chest, covering her with a blanket, and bouncing/walking her in the dark bedroom.  She wasn't having any of it.  She fussed and cried and cried and cried.  I started singing I Am A Child of God, which usually quiets her crying, and once she has stopped crying, she falls asleep on me.  Not that day.  So Jeremy came in the room and took over.  And he got her to fall asleep on him.  But the second he put her down, she woke up and cried.  Dinner was ready for us, and I knew there was going to be no silence from this little girl.  So I decided to try letting her cry it out -- though it really rips at my heart.  I told Jeremy I'd let her try it, and if she was still crying in 5 minutes, I'd go get her.  Well, she quieted down by then, so we started eating.  Within 5 more minutes, she was up crying again.  So I started the clock going again.  And so for 30 minutes she would quiet and then cry.  And you know what I was doing?  Sitting at the table, eating my dinner, crying.  Crying because I realized in that moment how hard it is to find that line sometimes.  Was I helping her or hurting her by letting her cry after trying everything I could?  Would it be helping her or hurting her to pick her up and try to get her to sleep again, even though I'd already tried it all?  That line seemed very, very fine to me in that moment.  And I thought about the future.  Will there come a day when Lynnaea comes to us for money to help her?  Should we give it to her?  And if we do, and she comes back again and again and again?  Is it helping her or hurting her to bail her out every time?  And it gripped my heart to realize that I will face these types of situations often as a mommy.  And so I cried.  Because with all my heart I want to keep her from all the pain and discomfort of the world.  But I can't.  And so I will know what it is to hurt because my baby hurts.  And I will have gained a deeper understanding and appreciation for my mom and dad, who have spent 32 years feelings those things for me.  And I know all I can do is do my best.  After 30 minutes of her crying off and on on Sunday, I went in and got her.  I walked around with her more, and she eventually fell asleep on me for about 30 minutes.  By that point it was about time for her night-time bottle, so I fed her and put her down when I couldn't get her to sleep on me again.  She fussed for maybe 5 minutes, and then she was asleep.  And that was the first night she slept through the night.

And now, as a result, I'm learning yet another lesson:  letting go vs. holding back.  You see, Lynnaea doesn't need me as much anymore.  Yes, she still needs me a lot.  But she used to require me for falling asleep.  And, though it was cutting into my sleep, and though I thought I was ready for her to be able to not need that, on many levels I cherished it.  And I was completely willing to continue doing that until she was 6 months old and I felt it was appropriate to work on the dreaded (for me) sleep training.  But she learned it on her own.  And so I am losing out on a lot of time of just holding her on me while she sleeps.  And so I'm glad that we had that time together when she still needed me.  And yeah, I suppose I could hold her back and try to make her dependent on me like that again.  But I don't think that would be right.  She sleeps better and longer when she puts herself to sleep, and that's good for her.  It would be wrong and selfish of me to stop that for my own desire to hold her close.  I need to let go when letting go is appropriate.  I need to allow her to gain independence at the right time.  I need to let her grow up, even though to do so is very hard in emotional ways.  The second night she slept through the night, I lay awake in bed remembering the little baby we brought home.  It wasn't so long ago, and yet it sort of feels like it was.  She needed me for everything.  And even though I made it a point to hold her when she wanted me to, I still feel like I took it for granted.  Because it was hard at times.  It was very, very exhausting.  But it was also short-lived in the grand scheme of things.  My baby is growing up, and as time goes on; she will need me less and less.  I talked to Jeremy about that.  I said to him, "How much do you need your mom these days?"  He acknowledged it was very little -- almost not at all.  And so I said, "But you see, Jeremy, you were once this little baby to your mom.  And you once needed her for everything.  And now you don't.  Don't you think she ever misses just a bit of that?"  He thought about it.  And I reminded him of when we were in the hospital.  The day Lynnaea was born, he knew his parents were coming to visit that night.  He called his mom and asked her if she could bring some food for him.  And when she came, she had brought a huge Costco-sized box of ritz crackers, some cheese, several cans of V-8, some nuts, and a container of home-made soup.  He laughed and said it looked like she was expecting him to be there for several days.  But in that gesture, I saw a mother's love.  Here was a mother whose son doesn't need her for much these days.  Hardly ever asks her for anything.  And so when he did, she went a bit overboard to take care of her "little boy."  I've seen that same love coming from my mom as she stops by unexpectedly, because she has the extra time and knows I wanted to get stuff done, but had a hard time when Lynnaea was so clingy.  She could have had that time to herself.  And who knows, maybe she got something for herself by hanging out with her little grand-daughter.  But I saw it as a mother's love.  And I realize that, one day, my sweet Lynnaea may be living states away and needing me very little.  And I'll have to let that happen.  I'll have to let go many times in her life as she grows and develops.  I will need to allow her to spread her wings and be who she is intended to become.  Even if it hurts a little to let go.

Yes, this journey of motherhood has been a hard one.  But they say nothing worth having comes easy.  And it is definitely worth having.  I have learned a lot already.  I have grown a lot already.  I have come to understand and know emotionally (and through experience) what I knew existed intellectually before -- and that is the unconditional love of a parent.  I was watching something the other day that had a character of a teenage boy who was mentally handicapped.  At the end of the show, all the teens were at a school dance, including this boy.  And this girl went over to him and asked him to dance.  And not because she was doing it as a prank or anything.  But because she wanted to do something nice.  And, though it was just a show, I sat there crying.  Because all I could think about was that boy's parents, and how he would be able to go home and tell his mom and dad that he had fun and that a girl danced with him.  And how that would mean the world to his mom.  Because his mom loves him, despite his disability.  And all she wants in the world is for her little boy to be happy. 

Well, another weekend has passed since I wrote all that!!!  And Lynnaea is now in her big girl crib in her own room.  It's just amazing how she's grown!  I love being her mommy.  She is precious and amazing.  And no matter how hard this journey has been and will be, it truly is a "never go back" moment.  I am forever changed.  And I love it :)!

 This was moments before she had a lovely poop that necessitated not only an outfit change, but also a washing for the chair cover...

 My little thumb sucker!!

 Before church yesterday.

 Waking up this morning.