Feeling Salty

In the Bible, it speaks of being the salt of the earth.  A good thing -- in that context.  I think the idea of what it meant was really driven home for me when I had to eat food that didn't have salt added during cooking.  (And you can ask my husband, I have a salt tooth ;)).  Salt is an amazing thing.  Just a little goes a long way and adds so much to the flavor of a thing.  It's also an antiseptic, a preserver, etc...  Some interesting little parallels you can draw there.

Interestingly enough, also in the Bible, there is a scripture to "Remember Lot's wife."  She who was turned into a pillar of salt for looking back toward Sodom and Gomorrah.  Probably not just looking back physically; but actually wishing to be back there in her heart.  This is not the good kind of salt.  There are many days I think I probably deserve to be turned into a pillar of salt. 

I've been struggling with that lately.  And perhaps I'm not the only one, since the person who sent me the link to this talk (one of my Counselors in Primary) was sent it by our Stake President who is a long-time friend of hers. 

I don't handle change well.  I will admit that.  I come by it honestly -- it's in my genes.  But I'm pretty sure it's one of those things I can learn to improve on.  And I need to.  Because lately I have felt overwhelmed with desires to return to what was.  Nothing of the Sodom and Gomorrah sort.  Just the past.  My past.  Sometimes I long for 15 years ago (or more).  I have glimpses of moments at my grandmother's house in Dothan during summer vacation when we would stay up watching Unsolved Mysteries and other tv shows and my mom would buy all these yummy snacks that we couldn't get in Panama (I've been a foodie my whole life...).  (By the way, did you know Yoplait discontinued their custard yogurts, at least out here?  My heart breaks a little...)  Sometimes I long for 13 years ago and days hanging out daily with Julie and Alysha (who was like 4)...  When we were two peas in a pod and practically inseparable.  Sometimes I long for 5 years ago (which shocks the heck out of me!) when I was living in Tuscaloosa and going to school full-time and working full-time.  Though it was one of the hardest times of my life (and believe me, I was ready to move forward then), I look back now and see that it was a very good time of my life as well.  I think I really grew into myself in new ways and learned things about myself I didn't know before.  Sometimes I long for 3 years ago when Lea and I were working at the library together and doing crazy things like 'Survivor: Tundra'.  And sometimes I just long for 3 months ago when life hadn't changed quite as much as it has since December (even though, then too, I was ready to move forward).

The truth is, I have had a more difficult time adjusting to not working than I ever dreamed I would.  My sweet Jeremy somehow suspected such things might happen.  He voiced his concerns to me before we made the decision for me to quit.  I laughed them off, thinking he was crazy.  His big concern for me?  That I would lose my socializing time.  I thought he was crazy, because I can always get in the car and go somewhere.  But you know what?  While that's true, it's also true that sometimes I don't know where to go; so I don't.  I really had no idea that I got so much socializing done through working -- and that my personality depends on that socialization so much.  I relished the thought of days at home, keeping house, cooking dinner, doing my own thing.  I never dreamed it would get old.  Well.  It did.  And I find myself looking for ways to stay busy and be more involved.  I'm grateful -- oh so grateful -- for a husband who supports and shares my desires to be home with our children.  And for a husband who supports my need/desire to host get-togethers every so often for a gaggle of women -- just so I enjoy some girl time.  But I'm still in the adjustment phase.  And I have many quiet moments (especially late at night while Jeremy is at work) when I just start meandering through the past and longing for those days in ways that I shouldn't.  Not because it's wrong to remember and enjoy the memories.  But because I'm not merely enjoying them.  I'm longing for them. 

In speaking of Lot's wife in the talk I linked above, Elder Holland said, "In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future." 

And I think that may be me.  I'm so stuck in longing for what was that I am not allowing myself to embrace what is and what is yet to be.  To quote again from the talk:

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind." {Emphasis added by me.}

This was a great talk, and it really was full of wisdom I needed to hear.  I have been richly blessed with many things.  Among them are sweet moments in life with friends and family that I can carry with me to remember fondly and bring a smile to my face.  But those moments are nothing more than memories.  I cannot have them back to re-live.  But life has shown me that, as I go forward, there are more such times to come.  More moments of joy. 

I feel like a whiner writing this.  I sit here in the comfort of my apartment feeling (and watching) life within me as our baby kicks (and my laptop bounces).  I have the desires of my heart.  The desires I longed so much for and feared I may never have.  I have a wonderful loving marriage with a wonderful loving husband, and we are anticipating the joys and growth of parenthood in 3 short months.  My cup runneth over.  This past year has been a year of miracles and of promises fulfilled.  It is time for me to let go and move forward and embrace the changes.  Because they will be what I need to grow and become who I want to be. 

One of my biggest concerns I had in regards to my new calling in church is that the ladies I would be working with now and I would not click like the four of us who had worked together before had.  That we would not become friends as had happened before.  I think today I was shown otherwise.  And it's a beautiful thing.  A reminder that there are always new opportunities to make new friends and yet not lose the old ones.  So this change, too, was one I have been struggling with.  But I'm starting to not struggle with it so much anymore.  And that, to me, is a tender mercy.

Well anyway, thanks for the vent-session ;).  Just the scrambled musings of a Nilla mind.  I'm off to face -- and embrace -- the future :).