Laughing 'Til It Hurts

So today marked the second occasion this week in which I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.

The first time was Monday. I was at the funeral home working, and the admin department's new home (well, since November) is a bit smaller than where we "lived" formerly. And so we have four people in there, and it's kind of close quarters. And there's not much in the way of ventilation, since the fan in there, when turned on, makes it sound like the whole building is preparing for take-off... Not necessarily appropriate noise for a funeral home. So we never run it. Anyway, on most days, this is not an issue. But Monday, I was walking out the door (which we try to keep closed to keep out the undesirables -- other staff members, not families) and I got a whiff of something that smelled like vomit. I commented on it, but nobody else seemed to notice, so I went out, did whatever I was doing, and then returned and smelled it again. But nobody else noticed. So I proceeded to smell myself (of course) to make sure it wasn't me. Which it wasn't. Well, a short time later, Rebecca came in and said, "Did someone step in dog poo?" I immediately laughed, because it was funny. But also because that was proof that there was in fact a smell. So I told her that we didn't know what it was. So Sue lit a candle, and Rebecca smelled my mom's lunch container, which had had roast and cream cheese mashed potatoes in it and hadn't been washed out yet. She said that was where the smell was coming from, but I went and smelled it, and I didn't agree. But when my mom got back, I handed it to her anyway and said maybe that was the problem, because Rebecca thought so (maybe my sniffer was broken, after all...) and she washed it. Well, after a while, I noticed the smell had gone away. Well, then my mom called me. She had gone to Cash & Carry for lasagnas for the location. Apparently while there, she noticed she had something on her dress. So she smelled it. And it smelled bad. So she called me to tell me she was going home to change and then would be back. I tried to ask her where it was on her dress, but she kept saying, "I'm at Cash & Carry! I have to go, because I'm getting on the road." So I just gave up and then went back to work. Well then I ended up having to call her again, because Michael (the new boss) decided to cook everyone breakfast for the next morning's staff meeting. So they wanted me to call my mom to find out about the breakfast casserole that she makes sometimes and takes up there. So I did. And she was at home changing. So then I asked again where the spot was, and she said it was on the front of her dress, she had no idea what it was, and no idea how it got there, "but it STUNK!!!" I could not stop laughing with the way she kept saying all this. I kept saying, "Stop, I have to pee! And I will pee right here where I sit!" But she kept on and kept saying, "So it was me that smelled! Please tell everyone I am so sorry!" The more I laughed, the more she laughed, and she kept saying, "It's not funny!" Oh my stomach seriously was hurting so bad. And everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. (I'm laughing now as I remember it...). So again, she told me to apologize to everyone. So when I hung up the phone, I did just that and relayed the whole story. Laughing so hard, I was crying. I have never done that before. I just could not stop laughing. We still don't know what was on that dress or where it even came from. Which is a scary thought when you work in a funeral home...

Of course, then that night, I had Marvelous Monday Meals. As is the norm, we ate and then sat around the table talking for a good 30 minutes when we were done eating. And this always results in laughter. We got on the topic of taking driving tests and driving adventures. So I shared my Friday stories about Rebecca driving against traffic going to the high school. And they told stories about when Morgan learned to drive and the way Xavier ran into their Suburban with his dad's truck within the first 30 seconds of driving over the weekend. And about how Chuck went to get his license in Arizona, failed immediately when he couldn't parallel park in front of the licensing place in order for his "grader" to get in, and was told he failed and had to leave... Only there was no one there to drive him home (his dad had let him drive there alone to get the license) only now, the car was parked in front of the station with all the people there watching and knowing he'd just failed and didn't have a license. So he still got in the car and drove away, freaking out the whole way... That was hysterical. Yeah, we laughed some more. And then watched Scrubs. And laughed some more.

Tuesday was mostly laugh-free. Nothing exciting.

But today... Oh my gosh, today. What an interesting day! So I woke up early to get ready for Lea to pick me up. We headed down to a different branch of our library system to take our CPR training. Well, we plus one other lady from our branch were the first ones there. So the instructor asked us if we would mind helping him construct all the CPR dummies. So we did. We piled them on the floor once they had a face and nose and then attached to the ribcage. Then he looked down at one point and said, "Someone put that one's head on upside down." hahaha..... Lea said she thinks it was her. I mean, these things looked like aliens enough... And then this one with its head upside down. It was too funny. So eventually we got to actually practice on the plastic torsos with heads. (They lacked all other appendages...). Oh, and we each got our own, plus we had our own mouth guard. So that was nice. I didn't wear lipstick today. Didn't want anything to look like I'd been making out with it. So anyway... It's some seriously hard work doing chest compressions on these plastic dummies. I have a bruise on the palm of my hand now. And one lady there was getting over a virus that had a nasty cough attached to it. So Lea and I got on the back row (and there wasn't a lot of room), because I felt like it was better to be able to distance myself from the bootie in front of me rather than worrying about how close someone behind me was to my bootie. Hahaha. So we chose the back. And so did the other lady who was coughing a lot. So there we are, in the middle of our 30 chest compressions, which takes serious effort. The other lady starts coughing hard and then toots. Oh. My. Gosh. Yes, I'm such a juvenile, right? I don't care. I could not look at Lea to save my life. I would have busted out laughing. So I waited until we were in her car and I said "So, that lady tooted two times in there." Lea was like, "Oh my gosh! I know!!!" And then we laughed so hard, my stomach was hurting again. And then Lea said, "But I gotta give it to her. She coughed, tooted, and then kept on compressing like it was just the natural flow of things..." Which made us laugh some more. Meanwhile, during this laugh-fest, we were at a stop-light, waiting for it to turn green. We were behind the other lady we work with, and she had asked if we wanted to stop at this Mexican restaurant that was along the path back home. We agreed. So the light turned green, and as there was only one lane in each direction, left turners had to yield to the on-coming traffic. Well, Karen (our co-worker) was at the front, and the car opposite her also wanted to turn left, so they could both go ahead and go without having to wait. But when Karen did this, she almost hit pedestrians, which I totally missed, but Lea didn't. So Lea is watching Karen almost kill people (maybe so we could practice our CPR?), she starts going without yielding. And I'm watching the truck now opposite of us who isn't turning left, but wants to go straight (and so we should have yielded). But too late... I wasn't sure if he was going to stop or if Lea would go fast enough, so I was like, "Watch it girl! Watch it!" When she saw what was happening, she gunned it and waved apologetically to the man in the truck. She laughed and said, "well, between me and Rebecca, you've had quite a few brushes with death this week!" True... But I did once run a red light with Lea in the car... So we make it to 2 Margaritas. The same chain where I ate with Rebecca on Friday, but in a different city. The host seats us, and I'm on the outside of the booth and can see the kitchen and bar area. So the host takes our drink orders, a different guy comes with our drinks. The host comes back and takes our meal orders. We go about our talking. The host brings out one of the items they thought was an appetizer, and when he does, he says to me, "Do you speak Spanish?" (I can't remember now if he asked in Spanish or English at that point). I told him that I do. So he asked (in Spanish) where I am from. I told him Panama. He said that one of the guys in the kitchen asked him if I speak Spanish, and he didn't know why the guy asked him that, since I look American." I said, "Well, I am. I'm half." (Which was an accidental slip-up. I'm actually only a quarter Panamanian). Well, Lea and Karen were just watching me through this conversation, because they didn't know what was going on. So I told them. And when I looked over in the direction of where the host went, he was talking to some guy and they were both looking our way. Awkward. So Lea started watching the kitchen (which you could see into) to see who had been asking about me. But she said every time she'd look, the guys were staring at our table. Which made me feel incredibly self-conscious when the food came. So Lea is like, "Yeesh girl! Look at you!" I laughed and said, "Girl I don't know... I'm not even wearing all my make-up today!" She was like, "Well, you don't need it obviously. Between this guy and the guy at the Jiffy Lube giving you a discount... Maybe I should start taking you places!" I laughed and said, "Yeah, that guy at Jiffy Lube was all of 24. I'd be robbing the cradle!" To which she laughed and said, "Ha! I'd take a 24 year old!" Hahaha. So we laughed while we ate. Then I asked for a box, because my food was way too much. From the young white kid who'd brought us our drinks. So he came back with the box, and I held my hand out for it, but was also texting at the same time, so wasn't paying attention to the fact that he was holding it just out of my reach and kept pulling it away from my grasp. When it finally dawned on me what he was doing, I smiled and laughed and then he gave it to me. And there are Lea and Karen staring at me, and Lea goes, "What is going on girl!?!" Shoot if I know! So they were saying they were going to write my number on a napkin. I said, "Girl, that kid looks like he is 12!" She said, "He's not 12! He'd be in school!" Yeah, well... Whatever. He's a baby. And I'm 30. So yeah, we laughed about all that. I guess I was getting my flirt-on at the Mexican place, even though I really wasn't doing anything at all.

So I got home and the neighbor tells me that she thinks Bruiser (the dog) got out again and is in the fence of the neighbor across the street. Ugh. He manages to find the 6-inch opening in our gate when the wind blows it open, but he couldn't figure out how to get back out of the double-car width opening of the gate across the street. Smart dog. (And okay, our gate must open a bit more than 6 inches, because that dog would never fit through a 6-inch gate...). So I had to go retrieve the dog. Fun. I had to go to the funeral home, after all... But I got him and got him home.

Then I went to the funeral home. Which was pretty much normal. Until 5 when I took over the phones. Mostly I didn't do much. I typed up an obituary for one of the funeral directors. And then the phone rang. I did my usual spiel and waited for the person on the end of the line to start talking. She said, "Are you guys having Bible Study tonight?" I hesitated. I was very confused. I said, "Uh..." And she said, "Because it's Ash Wednesday?" So okay, I've not been in the industry all that long. A little over 2 years. And granted, in those 2 years, we've never had a special Bible Study at the funeral home for Ash Wednesday. But hey, maybe it's a tradition we just didn't do before, but that is common in most funeral homes, right? Well, that's what I was thinking. So I said, "No ma'am, I'm sorry to say we didn't plan that this year." As though we plan it every other year, right? And she says, "Well is there still Sunday School then?" At which point I decided this was very likely a wrong number. So I said, "Ma'am, you do know you called a funeral home, right?" And yep, it was a wrong number. She apologized profusely (which I assured her it was no trouble at all) and that was the only call I took after 5. But I guess it was par for the course today. Today was a funny funny day. And when I told Rebecca (who was still there) about that call, we laughed together. Because it's just funny. There I was thinking we were missing out on a funeral home tradition, and that maybe I should pass that info up the chain of command. And all it was was a wrong number. Hahahaha.

Today was awesome. And now I will go. I am house-sitting for my friend John for about 2 weeks. So it's me, a cat, a couch, and a tv for the night. I'm pretty stoked. Need to decide what movies and tv shows to take. I'm thinking Arrested Development. Because then I can laugh some more until it hurts :).

Oh laughter. How I love thee. You make life a happy place :).